Aftermath: A Letter To My Girls

Dear darling daughters,

I've been meaning to write you this letter for a few months now. I could give you a list of excuses why I haven't, but if I'm honest, I just haven't been able to find the courage to sit down and write to you. I have not felt strong enough to reflect let alone remember the very thing that has torn my heart in half: leaving you. 

It's been three months since I kissed your foreheads goodnight for the last time. In those three months I have become well aquatinted with grief. The kind that paralyzes you to complete numbness and occasionally shatters you to the heaviest, most overcoming sobs of tears you've ever cried. But these sudden waves of grief have come over me in the most gentle and quiet of ways.

When I hear a pretty song. 

When I see a ballerina dance with unrestrained grace and elegance.

When I feel the fresh fall air breathe tender wind across my face. 

When I read words so unmistakably and flawlessly strung beside each other.

When I see the purity and freedom of a child at play.

That is art. Those are masterpieces. That is beauty.

And those things remind me of you. Because to me, that is exactly what you are. 

You are wonder and awe. So complex yet so simple. You've seen some of the darkest evils of this world and held onto innocence. That alone puts my jaw on the floor.

You are a breathtaking story. One of resilience and redemption and forgiveness. A masterpiece are your few years on this earth already.  

You are stunning beauty. Your bruises and scars have made you the rarest and most breath taking beauties I've ever seen. I cannot find grand enough words for it. 

Nothing short of holy was our time spent under the same roof. We wrestled with trust. We confronted fear. We learned a new rhythm. We cracked. We put pieces back together. We let love and family birth new meaning in our lives. We watched God restore what we thought we had already lost. 

I cannot begin to describe the life changing experience that occurred within loving you as a child of mine. I frustrate myself in trying to do so. Instead, I have slowly come to terms with the fact that our little sliver of time together will remain an untouched, inexplainable, purely sacred piece of my life and heart. I will never be the same. I will never walk the same way. You have ruined me in the best way anyone ever could. And even though my heart is broken, I'm okay with that. Maybe even thankful. 

I miss you terribly. I love you endlessly. 

I'm always on your team.

Love,

Natty Mummy