Thursday, September 15, 2011

I left my heart in...Ongole, India


 Well, after a nice 31 hour trip full of confusing airports, long lines of customs and security checks, layovers, people watching in the Delhi airport, talking to strangers, and airplane food I was finally greeted by my parents and sister running towards me in the Seattle airport. It was a beautiful reunion and suddenly my jet lag left me as I was filled with so much excitement to see them. The excitement didn’t leave me all day.  The rest of the day was filled with seeing friends, showing pictures and videos, and telling story after story. The taste of a starbucks and the luxury of taking a warm shower remind me that it’s good to be home. The only problem is I am missing the 82 children I had to leave in Ongole. I am finding that so many things remind me of them and even though I cant see them, they still give me joy just thinking about them. When I was sitting in the Delhi airport, I was looking at pictures on my camera and I realized a few minutes later that I was smiling from ear to ear. I looked up and there was a woman just staring at me. If only she knew the contagious smiles of the children I was looking at. It would make her smile, too.
My last day at Sarah’s Covanent Home’s was a beautiful day. I woke up early and made my way to the home. The night before, I sat in my bed dreading that feeling I would soon have when I said my last goodbyes to the children. God was so present in my last day there and he gave me the most perfect last day to share with the children. I spent the whole day celebrating, smiling, and laughing with joy over the kids. God gave me a different perspective; instead of thinking about the goodbye I thought about how grateful I was to even have met them. I celebrated the fact that these kids have entered my life and are now apart of my life, regardless if I am with them or not. I walked into Cedar’s room early that day and he was awake and moving around in his bed. Not everyday do I walk in and see him awake so I just thanked God right in that moment for giving me my last day with Cedar with him awake and laughing.  We laughed and played all morning and that time I spent with him is such a treasure to me.  When it was my time to say goodbye, I went around to each child, gave them a kiss and hug, and smiled. When it came time for me to say goodbye to Cedar, he was asleep. I picked him up and held him in my arms and prayed over him. When I set him back down, I looked at him and I said “see you soon”. I looked at him and had this wonderful feeling that our journey isn’t over yet. God still has something in store for Cedar and I. There’s no doubt in my mind ill be seeing him again, and seeing him again soon.
It’s a bittersweet feeling being home. I can be having a wonderful time with friends and family and all of a sudden I realize that I’m not in India anymore. I get that realization that tomorrow I’m not going over to the home to see the children. It’s been a time of celebration and grief as I have returned home. After a full day of reunions with family and friends, I was sitting on the couch talking to my sister. I was telling her about the transition I am in right now from living India and doing ministry at SCH everyday to adjusting to my life here at home. There’s no doubt I am experiencing just as much culture shock coming home than I did when I first arrived in India. But it’s a different shock. It’s the shock that I’m not apart of the children’s daily lives anymore. It’s the shock that my life looks a lot different than it did a few days ago. It wasn’t long after I started talking about Cedar with my sister that I was in tears.  I realized just how much it hurts to be away from him. Surely, I have not lost Cedar and he has a permanent place in my heart but there’s of a loss of being together everyday, a loss of wrapping my arms around him and loading him up with hugs and kisses. It’s a loss of being able to say, “I’m here, Cedar” to him everyday.  When I was waiting in the airport in Chicago, one flight to go until I get home, I heard a baby cry. The cry sounded just like Cedars and all of a sudden I was trying to keep myself together. I sat there and thought about how badly I wished he were sitting on my lap, ready to come home with me.  It was so hard not to just burst out in tears in the middle of the airport. I know in my heart that I have not let go of him, and I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if I will ever get back to a place in my life where I don’t ever think about him anymore or have that yearning to be apart of his life. He’s apart of my life now even if I can’t see him everyday. It’s hard to imagine my life without him now, or without any of those kids. When I think about my life without them, I am filled with so much gratefulness for the chance I was given to have met them. God is in the midst of writing my story and this summer, he introduced 82 new characters.
When people have asked me how this experience has changed me, I found that question overwhelming. I know that I have been changed by this experience, but how is my life here in Seattle different because of it? After reflection, I have realized that my life is different for a few reasons. I now have 82 children in India who are apart of my life and who I will think about daily until I see them again. I have a little boy in my life that I will always love like he is my own son. He will always be the first little boy I think of when I see any boy around his age. He will always be the little boy that gave me my first taste of a motherly love. I have now become another advocate and another voice for the children at SCH and the ones waiting in the government orphanage. I have also come to realize who God has called me to be and the role he has designed for me to play in this world. I have discovered my place, where my God-given gifts are, and a passion so big that could only be given by my heavenly father. I have discovered that this demographic of people is apart of my life calling and as long as I continue to trust God he will only expand that calling. I have received a greater confidence in who my God is and that he works best in weakness.
A few days ago, Sarah signed the papers for the 21 new children who are coming to SCH. They are now no longer labeled “orphans” but treasures apart of the SCH family.  They come with health risks and emotional baggage, but are now invited to heal, to be loved on, to be celebrated, to be given a chance at a life that is full of joy and love. Please keep them in your prayers as they have many health and emotional needs to be met. Looking at their pictures this morning, I was reminded that my journey at SCH has only just begun. I can’t wait to meet those precious faces soon.
Thanks for joining me in this journey I have been on. Your encouragement and support kept me going and your prayers truly carried me the whole way.  I am so grateful for each of you.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Dear Cedar

I write this on a Monday night. Today, I went to the doctor and then laid in bed all day. A few days ago, I woke up with a sore throat and a lot of pressure in my head. You know, the kind where you wake up and randomly you can barely swallow? Those kinds of colds seem to just hit you at the most random times, you can’t even anticipate it coming. For a few days, I was able to deal with it fine but yesterday night when I was over at the home, I could really feel it exhaust me. I also got a minor cut on my toe the other day and careless me, didn’t do anything about it. So this morning I woke up and my toe was swollen with pus and obviously very infected. This morning, I honestly felt like a complete mess! I felt the most sick I have in the past 2 months with a swollen and infected big toe. I went to the doctor, for a measly 2 bucks if I must say, and got some medicine. Then, I just went back to the apartment and slept for the whole day. It kills me to think that I have 4 days left with the children at SCH, and one of those days was taken away to spend in bed all day. For the past 2 months, I have been in great health (for the most part) and I think it’s funny that sickness and infection have just started to hit me in my last few days I have here. I’ve been going, going, going everyday for the past 2 months and now it’s almost like I can feel it all hit me at once. I am so determined to finish my time here off strong. Please pray that I will be able to strong enough in body and spirit to finish my time here, cherishing the little time I have left with these kids. No doubt, I am dreading that “goodbye” I will soon have to make.

Speaking of goodbye’s, this has been on my mind for the past week as I have realized that my time here is running out. How do I prepare myself to leave these children that I have been so involved with for the past 2 months? It’s hard for me to imagine life without them in a lot of ways. While I am looking forward to my homecoming with great anticipation, I know how strange it will be for me to just pick up my life here and leave. Although 2 months is a short time, this place has been my home for 2 months, I have been apart of these kids lives on a daily basis for 2 months, I’ve become well adjusted with the way life is here in Ongole. If anything, I will experience just as great of a culture shock when I come back to Seattle. Surely, it will be the most bittersweet ending to this journey I’ve been on.

One of the most dreaded goodbye’s I will have to make is to my little guy Cedar. Lately, I have realized just how attached to him I have become over the past 2 months. In a lot of ways, I have felt a motherly love towards him. I can’t understand the love of a mother for her child, but what I do know about that love, I’ve experienced a glimpse of it with Cedar. Never in my life have I been so in love with a child. To think that I won’t be apart of his life everyday anymore is hard for me, to say the least. I feel a responsibility to be at his crib everyday to hold him, to play with him, to make sure his diaper is changed and he has proper clothing on, to assure that he is being loved on everyday. The other day, I was journaling about leaving and it led to me writing a letter to Cedar. I thought I would share it with you.

Dear Cedar,
I remember the first time I saw you. How could I forget? It was the minute I saw you that I fell in love with you. It was the minute I saw you that I knew God was pointing you out to me. It was the minute I saw you that I was filled with a love I knew only could come from God. You were asleep but you were so content in the arms of the person holding you. I couldn’t wait to come back the next day and pick you up out of your crib. Ever since that day, I have been filled with an inexpressible joy every time I have come into your room to see you, whether you are asleep or awake. I especially love it when I walk in and see you moving around in your crib, with your finger in your mouth making noises, and doing your signature dance with your hands and legs in the air. I get so excited because I know that it means we get to play and laugh together and I get to watch you giggle when I tickle you or make funny noises in your ear. You are such a happy little boy! It makes everyone around you happy, too. I also remember the first time I saw you cry and get frustrated with yourself. It made me cry too, Cedar. I wanted to help you so badly and take away your frustration but I knew there was only so much I could do. I knew you weren’t used to sitting up for so long and your body felt weak. That was also the day I realized that you needed someone to walk you through the challenge of growing strong in your body. Even if you hated me for it, I wanted to be the one to walk you through your challenge of getting stronger in your body, knowing that what’s on the other side is the best for you. I knew that working with you everyday on sitting up and getting out of your crib would someday help you to walk. Since then, I have seen how everyday you have become stronger. You don’t get as frustrated anymore and you are more willing to sit up for longer amounts of time. Today when I walked in your room, you were already on the floor sitting up by yourself. You sat up by yourself all afternoon! I was so proud of you.
Everyday, you bring me such joy. Sometimes, your embrace when I hold you can turn a bad day into a perfectly good one. It’s almost time for me to go back to my home in America. I have a few more days in India to love on you and all the other children at SCH. To be honest, I am scared to leave you. I’m scared for that feeling I will have when I have to let go of you for the last time. Sometimes, it’s hard enough to put you back in your crib at the end of a day. How will I do that and know it may be years until I see you next? Its hard for me to imagine not being apart of your life everyday anymore-not being able to come see you and hold you, make you laugh, watch you grow and get strong. I want to be apart of your life everyday, forever. The reality is, I’ve become so attached to you and now it’s my time to let you go. Even though I wish I could say you belong to me, you don’t. You belong to Jesus. And the reality is he can take much better care of you than I can. He loves you a lot more than I could ever love you (and that’s a lot!) He can help you grow more than I can. He will hold you in more comfortable and safe arms. He will walk you through your frustration and growing pains more faithfully than I ever could. He will be there everyday, every morning to greet you, and every night to kiss you goodnight. He will never leave you.
Until then, I’m going to savor every moment I have with you. I am going to soak up all of your joy and never pass up a chance to kiss you. Cedar, thank you for being a constant joy and hope to me throughout this challenging journey I have been on. If I came all the way from America just for you, then this experience would have been entirely worth it. I can say with confidence that I will board that plane home in a few days a changed girl with a changed heart. And you have a lot to do with that. You have shown me a capacity to love in my heart that I didn’t know existed. You have been the doorway into the presence of Jesus. In my weakest moments, you have shown me the joy of the Lord. You have shown me that true love isn’t always easy, sometimes it hurts. You have reminded that the holy spirit lives inside of me, that I don’t serve a dead God but one that is alive and at work in my heart; A God that speaks so clearly and works miracles in my heart through people like you. Thank you for showing me the face of Jesus when I felt weak.
I can’t wait for the day I get news that you took your first steps. I am your biggest fan, Cedar. I believe in you. You can do it. I love you, Cedar. A piece of my heart will always belong to you. Don’t you forget that, you deserve it.
                                             Xoxo,
                                             Natalie Akka

Prayer Requests:
-         God would heal my sickness and infection and give me strength for the last days I have here.
-         God would prepare my heart to leave SCH and India
-         Money would come in for SCH for the new children they are receiving shortly
-         The children waiting in the government orphanage who need love and medicine
-         Strength for all other staff working at SCH full time