Dear Cedar

I write this on a Monday night. Today, I went to the doctor and then laid in bed all day. A few days ago, I woke up with a sore throat and a lot of pressure in my head. You know, the kind where you wake up and randomly you can barely swallow? Those kinds of colds seem to just hit you at the most random times, you can’t even anticipate it coming. For a few days, I was able to deal with it fine but yesterday night when I was over at the home, I could really feel it exhaust me. I also got a minor cut on my toe the other day and careless me, didn’t do anything about it. So this morning I woke up and my toe was swollen with pus and obviously very infected. This morning, I honestly felt like a complete mess! I felt the most sick I have in the past 2 months with a swollen and infected big toe. I went to the doctor, for a measly 2 bucks if I must say, and got some medicine. Then, I just went back to the apartment and slept for the whole day. It kills me to think that I have 4 days left with the children at SCH, and one of those days was taken away to spend in bed all day. For the past 2 months, I have been in great health (for the most part) and I think it’s funny that sickness and infection have just started to hit me in my last few days I have here. I’ve been going, going, going everyday for the past 2 months and now it’s almost like I can feel it all hit me at once. I am so determined to finish my time here off strong. Please pray that I will be able to strong enough in body and spirit to finish my time here, cherishing the little time I have left with these kids. No doubt, I am dreading that “goodbye” I will soon have to make.

Speaking of goodbye’s, this has been on my mind for the past week as I have realized that my time here is running out. How do I prepare myself to leave these children that I have been so involved with for the past 2 months? It’s hard for me to imagine life without them in a lot of ways. While I am looking forward to my homecoming with great anticipation, I know how strange it will be for me to just pick up my life here and leave. Although 2 months is a short time, this place has been my home for 2 months, I have been apart of these kids lives on a daily basis for 2 months, I’ve become well adjusted with the way life is here in Ongole. If anything, I will experience just as great of a culture shock when I come back to Seattle. Surely, it will be the most bittersweet ending to this journey I’ve been on.

One of the most dreaded goodbye’s I will have to make is to my little guy Cedar. Lately, I have realized just how attached to him I have become over the past 2 months. In a lot of ways, I have felt a motherly love towards him. I can’t understand the love of a mother for her child, but what I do know about that love, I’ve experienced a glimpse of it with Cedar. Never in my life have I been so in love with a child. To think that I won’t be apart of his life everyday anymore is hard for me, to say the least. I feel a responsibility to be at his crib everyday to hold him, to play with him, to make sure his diaper is changed and he has proper clothing on, to assure that he is being loved on everyday. The other day, I was journaling about leaving and it led to me writing a letter to Cedar. I thought I would share it with you.

Dear Cedar,

I remember the first time I saw you. How could I forget? It was the minute I saw you that I fell in love with you. It was the minute I saw you that I knew God was pointing you out to me. It was the minute I saw you that I was filled with a love I knew only could come from God. You were asleep but you were so content in the arms of the person holding you. I couldn’t wait to come back the next day and pick you up out of your crib. Ever since that day, I have been filled with an inexpressible joy every time I have come into your room to see you, whether you are asleep or awake. I especially love it when I walk in and see you moving around in your crib, with your finger in your mouth making noises, and doing your signature dance with your hands and legs in the air. I get so excited because I know that it means we get to play and laugh together and I get to watch you giggle when I tickle you or make funny noises in your ear. You are such a happy little boy! It makes everyone around you happy, too. I also remember the first time I saw you cry and get frustrated with yourself. It made me cry too, Cedar. I wanted to help you so badly and take away your frustration but I knew there was only so much I could do. I knew you weren’t used to sitting up for so long and your body felt weak. That was also the day I realized that you needed someone to walk you through the challenge of growing strong in your body. Even if you hated me for it, I wanted to be the one to walk you through your challenge of getting stronger in your body, knowing that what’s on the other side is the best for you. I knew that working with you everyday on sitting up and getting out of your crib would someday help you to walk. Since then, I have seen how everyday you have become stronger. You don’t get as frustrated anymore and you are more willing to sit up for longer amounts of time. Today when I walked in your room, you were already on the floor sitting up by yourself. You sat up by yourself all afternoon! I was so proud of you.

Everyday, you bring me such joy. Sometimes, your embrace when I hold you can turn a bad day into a perfectly good one. It’s almost time for me to go back to my home in America. I have a few more days in India to love on you and all the other children at SCH. To be honest, I am scared to leave you. I’m scared for that feeling I will have when I have to let go of you for the last time. Sometimes, it’s hard enough to put you back in your crib at the end of a day. How will I do that and know it may be years until I see you next? Its hard for me to imagine not being apart of your life everyday anymore-not being able to come see you and hold you, make you laugh, watch you grow and get strong. I want to be apart of your life everyday, forever. The reality is, I’ve become so attached to you and now it’s my time to let you go. Even though I wish I could say you belong to me, you don’t. You belong to Jesus. And the reality is he can take much better care of you than I can. He loves you a lot more than I could ever love you (and that’s a lot!) He can help you grow more than I can. He will hold you in more comfortable and safe arms. He will walk you through your frustration and growing pains more faithfully than I ever could. He will be there everyday, every morning to greet you, and every night to kiss you goodnight. He will never leave you.

Until then, I’m going to savor every moment I have with you. I am going to soak up all of your joy and never pass up a chance to kiss you. Cedar, thank you for being a constant joy and hope to me throughout this challenging journey I have been on. If I came all the way from America just for you, then this experience would have been entirely worth it. I can say with confidence that I will board that plane home in a few days a changed girl with a changed heart. And you have a lot to do with that. You have shown me a capacity to love in my heart that I didn’t know existed. You have been the doorway into the presence of Jesus. In my weakest moments, you have shown me the joy of the Lord. You have shown me that true love isn’t always easy, sometimes it hurts. You have reminded that the holy spirit lives inside of me, that I don’t serve a dead God but one that is alive and at work in my heart; A God that speaks so clearly and works miracles in my heart through people like you. Thank you for showing me the face of Jesus when I felt weak.

I can’t wait for the day I get news that you took your first steps. I am your biggest fan, Cedar. I believe in you. You can do it. I love you, Cedar. A piece of my heart will always belong to you. Don’t you forget that, you deserve it.

                                             Xoxo,

                                             Natalie Akka

Prayer Requests:

-         God would heal my sickness and infection and give me strength for the last days I have here.

-         God would prepare my heart to leave SCH and India

-         Money would come in for SCH for the new children they are receiving shortly

-         The children waiting in the government orphanage who need love and medicine

-         Strength for all other staff working at SCH full time