Well, after a nice 31 hour trip full of confusing airports, long lines of customs and security checks, layovers, people watching in the Delhi airport, talking to strangers, and airplane food I was finally greeted by my parents and sister running towards me in the Seattle airport. It was a beautiful reunion and suddenly my jet lag left me as I was filled with so much excitement to see them. The excitement didn’t leave me all day. The rest of the day was filled with seeing friends, showing pictures and videos, and telling story after story. The taste of a starbucks and the luxury of taking a warm shower remind me that it’s good to be home. The only problem is I am missing the 82 children I had to leave in Ongole. I am finding that so many things remind me of them and even though I cant see them, they still give me joy just thinking about them. When I was sitting in the Delhi airport, I was looking at pictures on my camera and I realized a few minutes later that I was smiling from ear to ear. I looked up and there was a woman just staring at me. If only she knew the contagious smiles of the children I was looking at. It would make her smile, too.
My last day at Sarah’s Covanent Home’s was a beautiful day. I woke up early and made my way to the home. The night before, I sat in my bed dreading that feeling I would soon have when I said my last goodbyes to the children. God was so present in my last day there and he gave me the most perfect last day to share with the children. I spent the whole day celebrating, smiling, and laughing with joy over the kids. God gave me a different perspective; instead of thinking about the goodbye I thought about how grateful I was to even have met them. I celebrated the fact that these kids have entered my life and are now apart of my life, regardless if I am with them or not. I walked into Cedar’s room early that day and he was awake and moving around in his bed. Not everyday do I walk in and see him awake so I just thanked God right in that moment for giving me my last day with Cedar with him awake and laughing. We laughed and played all morning and that time I spent with him is such a treasure to me. When it was my time to say goodbye, I went around to each child, gave them a kiss and hug, and smiled. When it came time for me to say goodbye to Cedar, he was asleep. I picked him up and held him in my arms and prayed over him. When I set him back down, I looked at him and I said “see you soon”. I looked at him and had this wonderful feeling that our journey isn’t over yet. God still has something in store for Cedar and I. There’s no doubt in my mind ill be seeing him again, and seeing him again soon.
It’s a bittersweet feeling being home. I can be having a wonderful time with friends and family and all of a sudden I realize that I’m not in India anymore. I get that realization that tomorrow I’m not going over to the home to see the children. It’s been a time of celebration and grief as I have returned home. After a full day of reunions with family and friends, I was sitting on the couch talking to my sister. I was telling her about the transition I am in right now from living India and doing ministry at SCH everyday to adjusting to my life here at home. There’s no doubt I am experiencing just as much culture shock coming home than I did when I first arrived in India. But it’s a different shock. It’s the shock that I’m not apart of the children’s daily lives anymore. It’s the shock that my life looks a lot different than it did a few days ago. It wasn’t long after I started talking about Cedar with my sister that I was in tears. I realized just how much it hurts to be away from him. Surely, I have not lost Cedar and he has a permanent place in my heart but there’s of a loss of being together everyday, a loss of wrapping my arms around him and loading him up with hugs and kisses. It’s a loss of being able to say, “I’m here, Cedar” to him everyday. When I was waiting in the airport in Chicago, one flight to go until I get home, I heard a baby cry. The cry sounded just like Cedars and all of a sudden I was trying to keep myself together. I sat there and thought about how badly I wished he were sitting on my lap, ready to come home with me. It was so hard not to just burst out in tears in the middle of the airport. I know in my heart that I have not let go of him, and I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if I will ever get back to a place in my life where I don’t ever think about him anymore or have that yearning to be apart of his life. He’s apart of my life now even if I can’t see him everyday. It’s hard to imagine my life without him now, or without any of those kids. When I think about my life without them, I am filled with so much gratefulness for the chance I was given to have met them. God is in the midst of writing my story and this summer, he introduced 82 new characters.
When people have asked me how this experience has changed me, I found that question overwhelming. I know that I have been changed by this experience, but how is my life here in Seattle different because of it? After reflection, I have realized that my life is different for a few reasons. I now have 82 children in India who are apart of my life and who I will think about daily until I see them again. I have a little boy in my life that I will always love like he is my own son. He will always be the first little boy I think of when I see any boy around his age. He will always be the little boy that gave me my first taste of a motherly love. I have now become another advocate and another voice for the children at SCH and the ones waiting in the government orphanage. I have also come to realize who God has called me to be and the role he has designed for me to play in this world. I have discovered my place, where my God-given gifts are, and a passion so big that could only be given by my heavenly father. I have discovered that this demographic of people is apart of my life calling and as long as I continue to trust God he will only expand that calling. I have received a greater confidence in who my God is and that he works best in weakness.
A few days ago, Sarah signed the papers for the 21 new children who are coming to SCH. They are now no longer labeled “orphans” but treasures apart of the SCH family. They come with health risks and emotional baggage, but are now invited to heal, to be loved on, to be celebrated, to be given a chance at a life that is full of joy and love. Please keep them in your prayers as they have many health and emotional needs to be met. Looking at their pictures this morning, I was reminded that my journey at SCH has only just begun. I can’t wait to meet those precious faces soon.
Thanks for joining me in this journey I have been on. Your encouragement and support kept me going and your prayers truly carried me the whole way. I am so grateful for each of you.
