Uncomfortable is Good.

It’s awfully quiet in our apartment right now. Last night, Grace and I said goodbye to 4 other volunteers who we’re here living with us. It was sad to say goodbye, especially after becoming so close in such a short amount of time. I will miss each one of them and all of the joy and laughter they brought to our apartment. I look forward to filling this apartment back up and meeting all the volunteers that will come through in the next month and a half. Until then, Gracie and I will hold down the fort and keep each other good company in our now very spacious apartment.

Today, Grace and I went to a wedding! Naomi, a woman who works for SCH and the Fadely family, invited us and the world race team to join her at her cousins wedding in her village. It was the total Indian experience if I’ve ever had one. When we arrived in the village, loud Indian music played and we were greeted with tons of smiling children wanting to hold our hands and take pictures with us. Not long after we arrived, the women in the village took us to their homes to dress us up in their saris. One of my favorite things about India is the gorgeous clothing that the women wear. I’ve never worn a sari so it was pretty fun to let them dress me up in their beautiful saris. Then, we went to the church to see the bride. She was decked out in gold jewelry, henna, and a beautiful sari. All of us just kept telling her how beautiful she was and she very shyly smiled back at us. Then, we ate lunch with everyone (yummy chicken curry!) and afterwards, it was time to go. Sadly, we were not able to stay for the whole day or get to see the actual wedding ceremony because the world race team had to get back to Ongole. But, it was so much fun and quite an experience to remember!

Lately, I’ve been spending most of my time between victory home and the girl’s apartment where Cedar is working hard at ability camp with Nikki and Sarah. A few nights ago, Hannah, Amanda, and I spent the night at Victory Home. We thought it would be interesting to see what goes on at night time, in the middle of the night, and in the early morning. Let me tell you, it was so weird to walk in and have it be so quiet. By the time we got there at about 9:30pm, most of the children were fast asleep, sprawled out all over the beds. The only room that wasn’t quite asleep was Cedars. I discovered that Cedar is quite the little night owl. So many times I would peek in his room throughout the early night to check and see if he had fallen asleep yet only to find him dancing in his bed. Eventually, I went in to try and get him to fall asleep. I rocked him and sang softly to him but it only made him giggle that much harder. The boy is one of a kind, so silly and definitely marches to the beat of his own drum. By 1am, I checked on him and he had finally fallen asleep. I was happy to see that his ayah had him all snuggled up in her arms. It’s comforting to see things like that and gives me a sense of peace, especially for when I go home to the US and can’t be there to snuggle him. I’m glad that he, despite his squirminess, is being soothed to sleep and nurtured by a motherly figure. His getting to sleep at 1am however, might explain his sometimes very lethargic and tired attitude during the day. When we all decided to go to bed ourselves, we all slept in the office. I don’t think I slept a single minute as my sweaty body lay stuck to the leather couch and exposed as fresh meat for the mosquitoes. I’m pretty sure all I did was lay there and sweat and itch myself all night. By the time it was morning, which comes at 5am for the kiddos here, I was a walking zombie. We watched their morning routine of bathing, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, and getting ready for school. Not long after, we head home and I got caught up on some sleep so I could function properly during the day. Overall, I was really glad we spent the night so I could see the home in full circle at every hour of the day. It definitely gave me a lot more respect for the ayah’s and nurses who stay here full time and take care of demanding needs of the children.

Being back here for another summer, I am reminded of the challenges that come with living here. I love this place, its people, and this ministry so much. But there is something about living here, even if only for a short 2 months, that challenges me more than any other place. One reason why I love India is because it completely strips me to my core. My true heart, broken and capable of so little without God, is revealed in my circumstances here. If anything, living in India and working with SCH just shows me how broken of a person I am. My circumstances here take away the mask over my heart that is really just covering up my brokenness, my sinfulness, my selfishness. I realize here so much more how much work I have to do in my heart. I find myself longing for home after a long day, for a hot shower and a warm bed and for my family and friends. But even without those comfortable things, I somehow manage to come out on the other side so much more satisfied and so much more victorious than a day at home in the US. I have this intimacy with God that I have no where else here in my fragile and vulnerable self. Why is that I have to be stripped of my comfortable life in order to obtain this incredible intimacy with God? Why is it that my greatest moments with God are in my most broken, vulnerable, exposed, and messy state? I never thought my comfortable life at home could keep me from so much more in my relationship with God. I never thought my comfort could mask the true things in my heart. It isn’t until I come here and see so much pain and devastation day in and day out and am forced to adjust to a lifestyle that is so much simpler than the one I have at home, that I cling to my God like he’s the only thing I’ve got. I say that with disappointment knowing that even at home, my things and the people I love cant heal the wounds in my heart or sustain me for long or provide me a life that is so much bigger than myself. Only my God, who is the same God in India and in Seattle, can do that. He goes with me, into my life of comfort and into my life of discomfort. He desires for those two lives to come together only to leave me continually and desperately thirsting for simply Him.

                                            Motorcycle rides with Sudhakar are always fun

                                                       Happy little boys at the wedding

                                         The wonderful woman who dressed me in her sari

                                                                   The beautiful bride

Beach Fun and Other Ramblings..

A lot has happened in these past few days! I’ll start with the very eventful weekend we had at the beach. On Saturday morning, a group of us all got the chance to take a child to the beach. Of course I chose to bring Cedar, not only because I love every second with him but also because he has never been to the beach before! And oh my word, let me just say that it was probably the happiest and most excited I have ever seen him. He squealed with laughter the entire time as the waves came up and splashed him. The first time the waves hit him in the face, I thought he would be scared but it just made him laugh even harder. As I held him in my arms while we splashed through the waves, watching his face light up with joy and listening to his raspy little laugh, it just showed me how brave he really is. Being completely blind, only hearing the rumbling of the waves and feeling the shocking and powerful impact of the water as it splashed in your face I think would be a terrifying experience. But he proved me wrong. He totally embraced everything about the ocean and loved every second of it. I am so proud of the brave and free spirited little boy he is.

By the late afternoon when we had all returned and cleaned up from the beach, my mom and I made our way over to victory home for her last visit. We both couldn’t believe that it was already her time to say goodbye. We enjoyed the afternoon with the kids and Mom got all her last kisses and hugs in. We walked out of victory home and there was a look heartbreak all over her face. My mom and I now share in the same heartbreak. As she cried silent tears in the auto on the way home, they were some of the most beautiful tears I’ve ever seen come from her eyes. She understands this love that comes and finds its home in your heart without you even realizing it. It was such a special thing to get to watch my own mother, the woman who nurtured and loved me unconditionally since the moment I was thought in her mind, nurture and unconditionally love the children at SCH, whom I love as children of my own. Even though her time here was short, it was those little moments of watching her snuggle the kids, softly pray and sing over them, patiently feed the children who were the toughest to feed, and joyfully play with them that gave me memories I will treasure for the rest of my life. It was a sad morning to wake up and realize that I couldn’t have my mom working and loving the kids at SCH by my side anymore. I didn’t realize how comforting it was to simply have her here. I hope that one day my children find the same comfort in me as their mother as I do with mine.

The next day, after lying in bed for most of the morning, Nikki and Sarah came over. Since it was a Sunday, almost everything is closed because it’s a Sabbath day for almost everyone. Except the beach is still open! Hannah made a joke that she was going to the beach, but we decided “hey why not just go to the beach!?” So we hopped in an auto and 45 minutes later, our auto driver was telling us to “close our eyes” as we drove up to the beautiful beach. The beach was full of people playing in the ocean, boats lined up alongside the shore, and fishermen getting ready to go out and cast their nets. We thought it would be fun to go out in one of these boats so we started asking the fisherman if we could go for a ride in their boat (this was in charades of course). Eventually, after just sitting in a boat on the shore, we were being taken out by a group of young fishermen. Right before we left though, we saw a young British man walking on the shore. Here in Ongole, you don’t ever see white people and so we called him over to see what he was doing here in India. He had just arrived in India a few days earlier and was planning on meeting up with a guy to do missions work in the area. He decided he would join us all on the boat ride so on he went! The fisherman were pretty pumped that they were taking a bunch of American girls on their boat so they took lots of videos and pictures of us. After getting pretty far out, we all jumped and flipped and cannon-balled off the boat. It was so fun! After a few hours of swimming and watching the men as they threw their nets out, we headed back to the beach and were completely mobbed by a group of Indians waiting to take more pictures with us. Then, we headed home in the auto and ended the evening at Ramya, a yummy resteraunt here in Ongole, with our new British friend James. We spent the night talking music, church, and differences between the US and the UK. It was a great day and definitely one of my favorite days off in India!

The next day, I unfortunately woke up very nauseated. Oddly enough, 3 other girls in the apartment felt the same way. So a sick day it was, watching movies in bed and sleeping. Today, I feel a lot better and made my way over to the apartment to work with the Ability Camp. Cedar has made so much progress since I last blogged! The other day, when Nikki was working with him, she was able to get him to put his feet on the ground when she held him up. She was also able to get him to bear weight and respond to the command “lay” which means, “stand” in Telegu. He now stands and bears weight when you pick him up and say, “lay”. This is huge! I have never been able to get him to stand when I hold his hands or even respond to the word “lay”. Today, when I went over to see him I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him standing up with Nikki. Ever since he has been working with Nikki and Sarah, I have seen an entirely different boy. With all of the stimulation he is getting everyday, he is the happiest, most alert little boy. Sometimes, I can’t believe it’s the same Cedar that I worked with last summer. I don’t fight him on falling asleep anymore, in fact, I sometimes can’t even get him to sit still now. I’ve seen his personality completely shine everyday. It just makes my heart burst with joy to watch him come alive the way he has. I feel so hopeful for him, especially in these next few weeks that Nikki and Sarah continue to work with him. Thank you for praying for him. God is listening to your prayers and working in Cedar’s life in big, amazing ways. Please continue to keep him in your prayers!

The other day, I was at victory home holding a little boy named Asher. He is such a sweet little boy who I really love to spend one-on-one time with at the home. As I was holding him, I was overcome with an overwhelming amount of pain and heartbreak. All of sudden I was trying to keep the steady stream of tears from falling from my eyes. Sometimes, it just hits me at the most unexpected moments. It’s easy to forget that these joyful, healthy, and so clearly precious children were once completely abandoned by their parents and left to a harsh world on their own. But then I have moments like this one with Asher, where the Lord leads me to enter in. I enter into the reality of his neglect and abandonment and feel the sting of his pain. I must continue to let myself enter in to these children’s pain, to recognize their stories and admire their bravery for what they have come through, and to softly speak the truth to them of whom they belong to; the truth that they belong to a God who is a father to the fatherless and a master redeemer of all things broken. 

 

The boat crew!

                                                      Cedar was all smiles at the beach

                                                          Photo by: Nikki Cochrane 

Cedar and I playing in the ocean

                                                 Sweet Asher when he first came to SCH

In the Swing of Things

As I sit down to write this blog, I have just completed a full load of laundry outside on the patio by hand. I’m pretty sure I should smell like Tide laundry soap for the next 24 hours. The power has just come on again (it goes out for about 4-5 hours a day) and I am enjoying the nice, cool breeze of air conditioning. Oh, daily life in India… It’s these little things that make life here so unique.

Lately, it has been very hot outside! I know that this weather is nothing compared to the summer months here when its 100+ degrees, but after leaving a summer-less and cold Seattle, my body is definitely in shock to the humidity and the beaming hot sun that seems to suck all the energy out of you as quick as possible. I also have not had much of an appetite since I have been here. The first time I went back to Ramya (my favorite restaurant here in Ongole) I went running straight to the bathroom to throw up at my first sight and smell of Indian food. Weirdly enough, my body has had a harder time adjusting to the food and weather than last year. I am hoping that I will get more of an appetite soon, cause I need the energy especially when the days are long and hot. If you could pray for this, I would really appreciate it! Otherwise, I am definitely in good enough health to be out and about going to the homes and loading the kids up on lots of hugs and kisses. Lately, I have been going over to the girl’s apartment, where two other volunteers from Canada named Nikki and Sara are running an “Ability Camp” for four of our SCH kids. They have chosen four kids from victory home who need a lot of one-on-one attention to get moving a little bit more. One of the four kids is Cedar! They bring the kids to their apartment everyday and work on numerous exercises and physical therapy type activities to hopefully pull out the full potential of the kids. They are really pushing Cedar to sit up on his own a lot so he can develop some more core strength. They also are trying to teach him how to crawl. Their goal for him by the end of the month is to be at least moving around on his own or even better, making strides towards standing up and walking. It’s been really interesting to watch him in this type of environment opposed to the overwhelming and sometimes chaotic environment that the victory home can sometimes bring. He is definitely having a great time! I’ve never seen him smile more, talk more, explore more and laugh more. With all of the stimulation around him, he isn’t sleeping all day long and is instead alert and awake for the whole day. I feel like I have gotten to see so much more of his silly, quirky, sweet little personality since he has been at this Ability Camp. Everyday, the kids spend about an hour in the kiddie pool. It’s probably my favorite part of the day to be able to watch him smile and laugh while he plays in the water. He loves it! Whenever you pour water on him, he gets so excited. It has me smiling from ear to ear watching him light up and become a different little boy in the water.

Despite Cedar’s excitement and joy throughout the day, he still is showing no signs of motivation to want to crawl or sit up. I’ve noticed that he seems to be more and more engulfed into his own little world. His body is like floppy noodle when you try to have him sit up or practice with him on crawling. Every now and again, when you stand him up, he shows the ability and strength to stand. I know that deep down in there, Cedar could start crawling, standing, and then walking if he wanted to. I’ve found that it’s all about motivating him. I can’t tell you how many times my brain has tried to find the different possible reasons why this little boy would have no motivation to want to walk. Cedar will be 4 years old in a couple of weeks. He’s getting older, his legs are growing longer but he remains in the same 6 month old developmental stage. It breaks my heart. I can’t imagine the kind of world he lives in with absolutely no sight and facing an immense amount of abandonment and neglect in the first years of his life. I know that a lot of his lack of motivation comes from fear, a fear in simply what he cannot see.

I am hopeful that this next month at Ability Camp, with Sarah and Nikki working with him daily, will bring about some really good changes and hopefully a milestone or two for Cedar. Aside from the work that Nikki, Sarah, and I will do with Cedar, I will leave the rest up to God. I will pray, and I hope that you will too, for this precious life that God has placed so heavily on my heart. I know that when the day is done and we have put our time in with Cedar, God will be the one working out a miracle in his body, mind, and spirit. I must remember to lean not on my own strength and ability to help Cedar but step aside and let God do what He does best. Prayer: It’s the most powerful tool we have as believers. Please pray with me for Cedar.

Cedar having fun in the pool! 

                                                     Jasmine loves splashing in the water!

                                                     

                                                    Sarah and Mum helping Cedar stand

                                                                     Dinah and Sarah

                                                                    Cedar and Mum

Reunion Time

Well, after 30+ hours of travel by plane and a very bumpy 10 hour bus ride, we finally arrived in the same city as Sarah’s Covenant Homes in Ongole. By the time we arrived in Ongole at 5am, I felt like a walking zombie. It was an exhausting trip to get here, but man, does it feel good to be back. Its funny to see how much less culture shock I am experiencing this time around and how much easier it is to pick up right where I left off. I am reminded of how much I truly love this country and its people. I collected a handful of business cards and contact information on the way here from people insisting that I give them a call if I ever need help. It’s definitely been a warm welcome back.

It is now my third day here in Ongole. The first day here, we woke up and went over to Tisra and Eric’s apartment. They are volunteers that have moved here full time this past year with their four children to help oversee SCH and the volunteers who come. I walked into their apartment with a room full of volunteers, all in their early 20’s. Right then, I knew that this year was going to be different than last year in that I would be provided with plenty companionship. A lot of things have changed this year in terms of the home. They now have 3 different homes, victory home where most of the children live and where I worked last year, a foster apartment for the girls who go to school, and an apartment for all of the babies. So instead of going over to one home everyday to see all of the children, there are now 3 different places that I can go and visit the children. This is a really good change in SCH because it’s aiming for its goal of more small, family style environments for the children. After the meeting was over, I was practically jumping up and down with anticipation to go over to Victory home and see the kids. We took an auto over to the home and I was greeted with kisses and hugs by the ayahs. I think they were surprised to see that I came back. I asked the ayah where Cedar was and she pointed me in the direction of his room. As I approached the room, I could feel my lip quivering and my heart pounding. I was walking into a moment I had only dreamed about for the last year. I walked into his room and there he was, fast asleep on the bed surrounded by all the other boys. I sat down right next to him, already in tears, and wrapped him up in my arms. I just held him so close to me and cried tears of joy over seeing him again. And he just laid there asleep, wrapped so tightly in my arms, with no clue how special of a little boy he is to me. Little does he know the countless amounts of times my thoughts have been consumed with him, the number of times I’ve used his name in so many conversations and prayers, looked at so many pictures and watched so many videos of him with tears in my eyes and told almost everyone I know about him. This little boy, abandoned in a hospital at the first sight of his blindness and incomplete set of eyes only to be labeled “orphaned” and “unacceptable” by his society, has no idea how famous he is in my life back in the United States. As I sat there, rocking him back and forth in my arms for the first time in a year, I was reminded of the overwhelming and all consuming love of God. I’m confident that in that moment, we both just sat in God’s presence as He breathed His love all over us. 

It wasn’t long before I was being greeted by all the other kids crawling and coming up to greet me. I was so surprised to see what children recognized me and remembered me. I was also surprised to find that I remembered most of their names when I first saw them. It was a reunion to be had with so many “oh my goodness look how big and strong you have gotten!” or “look how long your hair is now!” I felt so completely loved with all of the hugs and arms stretched out towards me from the kids. They are so completely easy to love with their sweet smiles of joy and so much excitement. They really do make you feel like a million bucks. I felt so much like I belonged to this family here at SCH as I was greeted with excitement by all the kids and ayahs. What a gift it is to be able to return to a place that God was able to pour so much into through me. It truly is the best feeling to know that I have some sort of history in this place and I’m able to stay committed to these people who mean so much to me.

Yes, it’s good to be back. The chaos of Indian traffic, the smell, the humidity, the stares I get by every person I pass on the street, the spicy Indian food that I eat with my hands, the sound of all the horns outside, the rickshaw rides, the bollywood music, the Indian accents, the Punjabis, the jingling bangles, the bright colored sarees, the bucket baths and the sound of the children yelling “akka!” are all reminders that I am back here in India for another summer. It will bring challenges like this place is really great at doing, but I am positive that if God was able to bring so much growth and indescribable joy despite those challenges last summer, then he is sure to do the same for me this time. I’m excited to discover what He has in store for my time here.

                                                       The first time I saw Cedar again