Always in My Heart

It’s been a little over week since I have been home from India. It’s interesting to me how easily I get back into the flow of life here in Seattle but also how strange it feels at the same time, when I really stop to think about it. It’s when I stop to think about how my life looked so different a little over week ago and how I was amongst all those kids that makes me feel so strange. I am here living a fun, college kid life and they are still there. They are still father less and mother less, many still lay on their backs for many hours a day, paralyzed and unable to have any control of their circumstance. They still experience power cuts and crazy amounts of heat and humidity. My days all look so different and my life is constantly changing and progressing, but for most at SCH, their days all look the same and life can look like it’s at a stand still. What a harsh reality for me to pause a think about in the midst of my days that are so full of opportunities and freedom to live my life with adventure and excitement.

My first week back hasn’t been as hard as I expected it to be. Seattle greeted me with a week of sunshine and weather in the upper 70’s, I have gotten to spend so much good time with my mom, and a day after I was home I was already moving into a house with 6 of my best girl friends. It’s been a great week. But I haven’t let myself think much about the hard parts of coming home. I’ve put it on the back burner and chosen not to deal with the feelings of coming home. I haven’t thought much about the kids and the distance between us. And that’s mostly because of my fear for the weight of sadness that I know will come over me when I do think about them. I’ve been running from processing and letting myself feel the grief of having half my heart on the other side of the world.

Today, I framed the pictures of Cedar’s hand and footprints I made while I was there. I hung them proudly on my wall and made all my roommates walking by come in and look at my boy’s precious little hands and feet. Tonight, I went to a dance at SPU and had a blast dancing and goofing around with friends. When I got home, I got into bed and decided I would look at some pictures from India. I stumbled upon a picture that was taken of Cedar and I on his first trip to the beach. And then it hit me… and instead of closing out of the picture when I could feel the welling of tears come, I just let them come. I sat in my bed and cried while staring at one of my favorite pictures of all time-a photo of Cedar and I experiencing the ocean together and for him, for the very first time in his life. 

I miss him. I miss the sound of his raspy laugh. I miss walking into his room for the first time everyday and putting my hand on his chest to see his body freeze and a sweet smile come across his face to shortly follow. I miss walking around victory home all day with him on my hip. I miss snuggling him at the same time everyday for his nap. I miss staring at his face while he sleeps. I miss giving his ayah a hug and communicating to her how appreciative I was of her that she takes care of such a precious life. I miss being apart of his day, big or small. These things… I will always miss them. It won’t go away and he will always be such a huge part of my life.

SCH will always play such a huge part in my life. Although my life in Seattle looks so different and it’s easy to forget about what I experienced in India amidst my daily life, it will always be there. I can block it out with busyness and lots of activities but at the end of the day, it’s still in there. I don’t think God has created us with shallow hearts. Our true hearts are much bigger than what the meets the exterior eye. God has created our hearts with great capacity and provided experiences that will only make that capacity even greater. How good is our God, that He has made our inner beings so complex yet so beautifully rich with himself. And with that being said, SCH will forever reside in my heart and I know that God will be faithful to remind me of it’s place there when I need reminding of that. 

I’ve found this song playing often in my first week home…and I find the lyrics to be quite fitting

You who mourn will be comforted

You who hunger will hunger no more

All the last shall be first, of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again

All you lonely be lonely no more

Yes, the last will be first, of this I'm sure

I don't know why the innocents fall

While the monsters stand

I don't know why the little ones thirst

But I know the last shall be first

I know the last shall be first

(“Flags” by Brooke Fraser)

The thought of reaching heaven one day is so much more exciting knowing that I will see so many of our kids from SCH, in their right place and whole in their bodies, perfect and flawless. What a reward and hope we have in Jesus and spending eternity in heaven with him. 

See You Next Time, India

As I write this, I sit on my last plane ride home to Seattle. I sit here full of anticipation and eagerness, ready to breathe in the fresh northwest air and see the people who I’ve missed so much. At the same time, I’m completely overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings on the last 2 and half months of my life. It almost feels like a time warp… one day I was leaving my life in Seattle and somehow 11 weeks later, I’m returning back to that life. The in between time was just pure bliss, as if I took a little break from my reality and lived in someone else’s for a while. This concept could keep me running in circles for hours and it often feels like my mind can never fully grasp and process what really happened. But it did happen and I never want to forget that it did.

On our last day, Grace and I headed over to Victory Home early to spend the morning and early afternoon. When I arrived, I walked straight to Cedar’s room and pretty much held him from the moment I got there until the moment I left. He was in a wonderfully giggly mood (as always) and we spent the morning just laughing together. It wasn’t long after I was with him that morning that I was already beginning to cry. As I watched him laugh and do all the little things that make him so adorably unique I thought, “These are the moments that I will miss the most. These are the memories I will cherish so close to my heart when I cant see him anymore.” It was a great and relaxing morning at the home. I truly felt at peace knowing that I could simply just be with the children. There was nothing I needed to do but love on them for one last time. When it came to say goodbye, I went to each room and gave all the kids a hug and kiss. I saved Cedar’s room for last knowing it would be the hardest. The minute I walked into his room, I lost it. I said goodbye to all the ayah’s and they wiped my tears as I went around the room kissing all the boys goodbye. And then I wrapped my sweet boy up in my arms and cried tears of both sadness and joy. Tears of sadness over the fact that I can’t bring him home with me, knowing fully that being away from him will hurt….a lot. And there were tears of joy over the fact that I simply know him. Tears that He was brought into my life to change and shape my character and relationship with God in a way that nothing else could. There were tears of joy over the fact that I am one of the most privileged and fortunate people in this world to be able to show him love after his world rejected him. What joy there is in knowing that God loved me enough to introduce me to him and ultimately introduce me to a love I’d never known or thought I could know. And what heartbreak there is in this vulnerable love that has proven itself painful when time and space separates us. I walked out of Victory home that day with more of my heart left behind and more of it broken… and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

The rest of the day was spent at the baby apartment and the girl’s apartment saying our last farewells. It was a very full day and by the end of it, I was so emotionally exhausted. By 11pm, Grace and I were boarding our overnight bus to begin our 56-hour journey home. When we arrived in Hyderabad in the morning, we took a power nap and then went to the market to do some shopping. Later that day, The Fadely family came to pick us up for dinner. They were already in Hyderabad for their monthly get away and so it was nice to be able to spend time with them there. We went to Chili’s and Grace and I got buffalo meat burgers! Then afterwards, we went to McDonalds and got ice cream cones. It was a very American night spent with people who have become wonderful friends to us. By 5am the next morning, Grace and I were off to the airport.

                            Our best attempt at a group picture with the school girls on our last night

                                 Dinner with the Fadely family in Hyderabad

We flew from Hyderabad to Mumbai for our 18-hour layover. Luckily, my mom has connections with a pastor there so when we arrived, he was waiting with a sign for us right outside the airport. Grace and I didn’t really know anything about this pastor or his ministry or Mumbai or anything! It was completely random but to my surprise, I think it was easily one of my favorite days in India ever. I loved the city of Mumbai and getting the chance to see a different part of India. I loved being able to see how God is working in Mumbai through this pastor, his family, church, and ministry. He and his family were so hospitable and truly filled with joy that they could invite us to be apart of their day. We spent the morning at his home where we got to visit a lot with his daughter, Karuna, who is also 21! She was so nice and I loved getting to talk with her. It was so cool to see how we have so many things in common, even though we live in two completely different worlds. Then we went to go see his church and the school that they run for children in the slums who are unable to afford good schooling. Afterwards, we had the chance to go to an outreach event in the city. The outreach was at an annual festival that the city of Mumbai holds for a statue of mother Mary holding baby Jesus. Basically there is a statue of Mary holding baby Jesus that they believe to be very special. Many people claim that this statue heals them and gives them the things they need when they pray to it. Therefore, half the city (which is 6 million people!) comes and offers candles and flowers to it for healing, getting a new job or house, and other things. Basically, they’ve turned this statue into another God to pray to with potential of having it improve their circumstances. So we offered prayer and passed out traks to the people as they walked up to the church with their candles and flowers. I did a lot of observing and took a walk up to the church myself to see it. It was fascinating to see how so many people- Christian, Catholic, Hindu, Muslim, or any other religion will come to pray to this statue. After seeing the church, I had a good time hanging out with the street kids who were trying to sell candles and flowers to the crowds. One little guy started passing traks out with everyone instead! Afterwards, Pastor Shirish took us down to the beach and we watched the sunset. Then we were off to dinner at a really yummy restaurant, where Grace and I had our last authentic Indian meal. Grace decided to order goat brain to really end things with a bang in India (adventurous one she is!) I tried a bit and it tasted very brainy-squishy and slimy (yuck) After dinner, we went back to the church to pick up our luggage and Pastor Shirish sent us off in a van with another pastor to the airport. It was such a good day! I was so thankful that Grace and I were able to experience so much and really get a taste of Mumbai instead of waiting in the airport for 18 hours.

                                                          The shrine of Mother Mary

                                                   One of the street kids helping us pass out tracks

                   

As we drove through the city of Mumbai, I was absolutely fascinated and captivated once again by India and it’s culture. As I looked over at the massive amounts of land occupied by slums, my passion for India’s people only grew stronger. This country and these people have won me over. I can’t explain why I fell in love with India in the first place. From an earthly perspective, it’s completely random. From a spiritual perspective, it was God’s divine and careful plan. Looking out the window at the slums and being filled with such a longing to jump out of the car and walk in, I was encouraged… as strange as that sounds. I was encouraged to know that my passions that come out of nowhere have a place where they belong…and it’s here in India. I was encouraged that this passion is completely not of myself and entirely of God and His work in my life. And as long as I continue to walk closely with him, he will lead me to the places that are so specifically designed for the passions he’s birthed in me so that I can be used for His glory. I discover more and more that as I walk closely in relationship with God, His desires, His vision and His heartbreak become mine too. What a good God we serve…that He so carefully plans our lives out in accordance with His perfect will for us and for the world.

As I walk away from an incredible journey in India, I enter into a new journey in my home here in Seattle. It’s a journey of processing, continuing to learn from my experiences and discovering how those experiences still and always will play a part in my life, no matter where I am in the world. I now enter into a new journey and a new season with feelings that I am well aware of coming. These feelings of grief over the absence of 105 physically present children in my daily life. Feelings of shock over a culture that looks so different than the one I’ve been living in for the past 2 and half months. Feelings of fear- fear of forgetting what I’ve seen here and the people I’ve met… fear of living my life as if this never happened.

But I will continue to be in awe of my God’s faithfulness in my life and I will trust that He wants to surprise me even more with His goodness. I will say it again and with even more assurance than the last time....

Great is thy faithfulness.

Getting near the end

It’s my last week here in India and it’s already almost coming to a close. I now have only 2 days left here in Ongole and then Grace and I are off to Hyderabad for a day and then our long layover in Mumbai for a day. In Mumbai, we will be meeting with a pastor whom my mom knows through family friends. We will be joining him for an outreach event with a team of US volunteers coming to work with his ministry. It should be a good time seeing a different city and a different ministry altogether. Until then, I’m holding very tightly onto these last days with my kids.

Here’s a few highlights from my last week here in Ongole…

We kicked off this week with moving some of our children into a new foster home! We are so excited to get more of our children in smaller, family style homes, which is really the ultimate goal of SCH. This new foster apartment is on the bottom floor of our school girls apartment. On Monday, we spent the day gathering all of the children’s clothing, sheets, mattresses, and other necessary items to get the foster home up and running. We now have half the children all moved in and are waiting for a few extra things to come in for the apartment so we can take the other half.

On Wednesday, Grace and I were invited to go to Naomi’s husband, Abraham’s village to be apart of an outreach event. Volunteering full time at SCH and living in the city, we don’t get much opportunity to go outside of the city and see the more rural, village life side of India. I really love being able to escape the crazy, chaotic city of Ongole and breathe fresh air out in the country. It truly is refreshing, not only because it’s surrounded by beautiful Indian farm-land, but because the life that goes on in the villages is so simple and so pure. There isn’t much distraction and people are so content with their small little huts and their tightly knit communities. It’s a beautiful sight.

Once we arrived, we rounded up all the kids in the village and we sang some songs, taught a bible lesson, prayed and played games. I was amazed at how intently these children listened and behaved while we taught them songs and stories. Seeing an audience of still, quiet children listening to your every word is not something you see at SCH ever…ha! Afterwards, we ate dinner on the roof of Abraham’s home and watched the sun go down. Then, we went around to the different homes and prayed for people. One little girl we met was named Mounika. She has special needs and lives with her family in the village. Her family loves her and cares for her so well. She truly is valued and held as a precious child of worth in both her family and her community. What an amazing, wonderful thing to see in a country that holds kids like Mounika at such a low cost, or no cost at all. By the end of the night, we went back to the main meeting place and Isaac (Naomi and Abraham’s son) and Grace led some worship songs. Then, it was time for us to go back home. It was such a refreshing night to be apart of life in the villages!

                                                             Grace, Mounika, and Me!

This morning, Grace and I were invited to attend “Grandparents Day” at Stacy and Rachel’s school. No, we aren’t grandparents by any means, but we wanted to make sure that the girls had someone in their “family” to be present at the event. And what an honor it was to be able to represent that for our girls, while all their classmates had grandparents in the audience. It was much like an elementary school assembly, where all the kids come in and sit on the floor with their classmates. When the children started filing into the room, Grace and I eagerly looked for Stacy and Rachel to walk in with their class. When I saw Stacy come walking down the stairs with all her classmates, I was so taken back by the immediate wave of emotion that came over me. I stood there and waved to her with tears in my eyes, overcome with pride over this little girl. That’s my girl. See the cutest one with the big smile and pig tails? Yeah, that’s who were here for. That’s our girl. I definitely felt like one of those proud parents that just wanted to tell everyone sitting around me how great they both are. I bet you can already imagine the kind of mother I will be someday… I apologize to my future children in advance. During the assembly, each grandparent went up front, shared a quick little message and then their grandchild would give them a flower. When it came time for our turn to go up, Grace shared a quick “education is important and Jesus loves you” message and then the girls got to come up and give us a flower. We sure had fun kissing them and hugging them in front of their entire school…and they totally loved it.

                                                                        There's our Stacy!

     Receiving our flowers from the girls at Grandparents day! From left: Rachel, me, Stacy, and Grace

Tonight, we went over to Naomi and Abrahams house for dinner. Naomi, if I haven’t mentioned her earlier, is a staff member at SCH. Grace and I spend nearly everyday with her, working at SCH together. Her husband, Abraham is on full time staff with ICM and goes out with teams to translate in the villages, put on outreach events, teach children’s VBS, and numerous other things. Both of their sons, Isaac and Agape, are actively involved with the ministry as well and help translate in the villages when teams come. They call themselves “A missionary family” and are hands down, one of the most amazing, dedicated, selfless families I’ve ever met. God so clearly and powerfully moves through each member and they are all so passionate about making Jesus known. Anyways, I had never been to Naomi’s home until tonight and I was so surprised by what I saw when we pulled up. They live in a cemented home with a tin roof, the size of a small bedroom. All four of them live in this house! I was so taken back that these two amazing, very successful pastors and key members of the ministry live by such simple means. What a testament to who these people are though… that they may be poor by earthly standards, but how rich they are in the things of God. Things like the numerous gifts that God has poured out on each of them to be stewards of the gospel to their people here in India. How rich they are in family- a family all running after one purpose together. How rich they are in love and compassion, to see their brothers and sisters saved and redeemed. How rich they are in all things that no earthly possession could ever come close to satisfying.

                                                        Naomi and Abraham's house

                                              From left: Isaac, Naomi, Abraham, and Agape

When we arrived, Abraham was quick to bring out apples and grapes for us while we waited for Naomi to get home from work. When she came home, she was so pleased to show us that she had bought ice cream. So we all sat around together outside and ate it (Dessert before dinner! Coolest mom ever.) Then, she brought us chicken, rice, dhal (like a curry sauce), zucchini, some more apples, and bananas! It was a true feast! After dinner, they invited us to come back inside and upon entering the house, Naomi was standing there with gifts for Grace and I! She bought us Saris! They are so beautiful! I was so overwhelmed with their kindness, especially after they just served us such a huge and delicious meal. When the night was just about over, Grace gave Naomi a gift on behalf of her church in Burien. It was money for a motor bike! Naomi gets around all by auto rickshaw and with all the running around she does all day, getting rickshaws everywhere is a lot of extra work and money. When Grace gave her the money, she was so shocked and cried into her shoulder for so long. It was so nice to see someone bless her, especially after how much she has richly blessed both Grace and I in our two and half months here.

                                                     Grace and I all dressed up in our new Saris

                                                                             Family

                                                                    My sweet sister, Naomi 

Looking back on this week, and really this entire summer, I feel overwhelmed with the way that God has so richly blessed me through so many people, so many instances, and so many experiences. My heart feels heavy that I will soon have to leave it all behind and move onto the next season of life that God has in store for me. It was hard to walk away from my life here in Ongole last summer and this time around, I’ve invested in so many more relationships and grown even more attached to Cedar and all the other kids. I thought India stole my heart last year, but I know that when I leave again it will get even more of it. Please keep both and Grace and I your prayers these next few days as we say very hard goodbye to so many people we have grown to love so much.