Always in My Heart

It’s been a little over week since I have been home from India. It’s interesting to me how easily I get back into the flow of life here in Seattle but also how strange it feels at the same time, when I really stop to think about it. It’s when I stop to think about how my life looked so different a little over week ago and how I was amongst all those kids that makes me feel so strange. I am here living a fun, college kid life and they are still there. They are still father less and mother less, many still lay on their backs for many hours a day, paralyzed and unable to have any control of their circumstance. They still experience power cuts and crazy amounts of heat and humidity. My days all look so different and my life is constantly changing and progressing, but for most at SCH, their days all look the same and life can look like it’s at a stand still. What a harsh reality for me to pause a think about in the midst of my days that are so full of opportunities and freedom to live my life with adventure and excitement.

My first week back hasn’t been as hard as I expected it to be. Seattle greeted me with a week of sunshine and weather in the upper 70’s, I have gotten to spend so much good time with my mom, and a day after I was home I was already moving into a house with 6 of my best girl friends. It’s been a great week. But I haven’t let myself think much about the hard parts of coming home. I’ve put it on the back burner and chosen not to deal with the feelings of coming home. I haven’t thought much about the kids and the distance between us. And that’s mostly because of my fear for the weight of sadness that I know will come over me when I do think about them. I’ve been running from processing and letting myself feel the grief of having half my heart on the other side of the world.

Today, I framed the pictures of Cedar’s hand and footprints I made while I was there. I hung them proudly on my wall and made all my roommates walking by come in and look at my boy’s precious little hands and feet. Tonight, I went to a dance at SPU and had a blast dancing and goofing around with friends. When I got home, I got into bed and decided I would look at some pictures from India. I stumbled upon a picture that was taken of Cedar and I on his first trip to the beach. And then it hit me… and instead of closing out of the picture when I could feel the welling of tears come, I just let them come. I sat in my bed and cried while staring at one of my favorite pictures of all time-a photo of Cedar and I experiencing the ocean together and for him, for the very first time in his life. 

I miss him. I miss the sound of his raspy laugh. I miss walking into his room for the first time everyday and putting my hand on his chest to see his body freeze and a sweet smile come across his face to shortly follow. I miss walking around victory home all day with him on my hip. I miss snuggling him at the same time everyday for his nap. I miss staring at his face while he sleeps. I miss giving his ayah a hug and communicating to her how appreciative I was of her that she takes care of such a precious life. I miss being apart of his day, big or small. These things… I will always miss them. It won’t go away and he will always be such a huge part of my life.

SCH will always play such a huge part in my life. Although my life in Seattle looks so different and it’s easy to forget about what I experienced in India amidst my daily life, it will always be there. I can block it out with busyness and lots of activities but at the end of the day, it’s still in there. I don’t think God has created us with shallow hearts. Our true hearts are much bigger than what the meets the exterior eye. God has created our hearts with great capacity and provided experiences that will only make that capacity even greater. How good is our God, that He has made our inner beings so complex yet so beautifully rich with himself. And with that being said, SCH will forever reside in my heart and I know that God will be faithful to remind me of it’s place there when I need reminding of that. 

I’ve found this song playing often in my first week home…and I find the lyrics to be quite fitting

You who mourn will be comforted

You who hunger will hunger no more

All the last shall be first, of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again

All you lonely be lonely no more

Yes, the last will be first, of this I'm sure

I don't know why the innocents fall

While the monsters stand

I don't know why the little ones thirst

But I know the last shall be first

I know the last shall be first

(“Flags” by Brooke Fraser)

The thought of reaching heaven one day is so much more exciting knowing that I will see so many of our kids from SCH, in their right place and whole in their bodies, perfect and flawless. What a reward and hope we have in Jesus and spending eternity in heaven with him.