On Saying, "Goodbye For Now"

When I said yes to a year in India back in January, I don’t think I was quite aware of the weight of that “Yes”. Now, days away from moving to India for a year, I feel the weight of that “Yes” with every day that approaches closer to September 19.

If I’m honest, it’s been a startling realization for me to see what I am leaving behind when I board that plane with a one-way ticket in my hand. My entire life has been in the Seattle area, in the northwest, miles away from the ocean in one direction, miles away from the mountains in the other, with family and friends always a short drive away. The longest move I’ve ever made was across the 5-20 bridge from Seattle’s suburbia into the city. In many ways, this life I live in Seattle is the only life I’ve ever really known.

But more importantly than that are the relationships that live in Seattle. I’ve known rich relationship here. I am surrounded by people that know me, love me, accept me, and even laugh at me because they know I’m a weirdo. It feels really good to know that you are surrounded by people who are in it with you for the long haul.

If I were to freeze my life right now, I would say I’ve got it made with the friends I have, the city I live in, a college degree I’ve worked hard for, a number of job opportunities in my field, and the freedom of being young and independent. I’m pretty comfortable with where my life is at here in Seattle. And deep down, I think that really scares me.

I’m learning a lot as I prepare to leave. So often these past few weeks, I’ve had moments where the sudden rush of tears, the kind that come from so very deep inside of you, well up and almost take the very breath out of me. I'm starting to see that saying goodbye, no matter what or who it is you are saying goodbye to, is a season of grief. I think the mixture of graduating from 4 years of college and moving across the world 3 months later has been new, uncharted territory for me. The crash of so many different feelings-of real fear, anxiety, nostalgia, sentiment, reflection, joy, gratitude, hope, and peace have become apart of my daily life. It’s overwhelmed me in ways I can’t even really describe.

I’m scared for what lies ahead, but I fear with hope. I wait in the unknown with sacred peace. I cry tears that hurt, not out of despair but out of gratitude for all that is to be left behind. I grieve because my life here is truly beautiful and overflowing with good things, something that won't be easy to turn around and walk away from. I feel the pain of leaving not because I never want to leave but because I'm pulling out my roots so I can plant them somewhere else for a while. I will board that plane with a feeling of loss but not without knowing that there is much waiting for me to gain when that plane lands.  I’m learning that a grief like this doesn’t lead me to a place where I’m drowning in sadness. No, a grief like this leads me to a place of utter thanks to God, in borderline disbelief at the ways He has given me gift after gift when I definitely didn’t deserve it. Surely, I know now more than I ever have that “every good and perfect thing comes from above.”

I think God has been very gently undoing me and reminding me so tenderly, “See how much I have given you already? Just watch me give you more”

For all that has already been, I look forward to all that is to come with great hope.