Always in My Heart

It’s been a little over week since I have been home from India. It’s interesting to me how easily I get back into the flow of life here in Seattle but also how strange it feels at the same time, when I really stop to think about it. It’s when I stop to think about how my life looked so different a little over week ago and how I was amongst all those kids that makes me feel so strange. I am here living a fun, college kid life and they are still there. They are still father less and mother less, many still lay on their backs for many hours a day, paralyzed and unable to have any control of their circumstance. They still experience power cuts and crazy amounts of heat and humidity. My days all look so different and my life is constantly changing and progressing, but for most at SCH, their days all look the same and life can look like it’s at a stand still. What a harsh reality for me to pause a think about in the midst of my days that are so full of opportunities and freedom to live my life with adventure and excitement.

My first week back hasn’t been as hard as I expected it to be. Seattle greeted me with a week of sunshine and weather in the upper 70’s, I have gotten to spend so much good time with my mom, and a day after I was home I was already moving into a house with 6 of my best girl friends. It’s been a great week. But I haven’t let myself think much about the hard parts of coming home. I’ve put it on the back burner and chosen not to deal with the feelings of coming home. I haven’t thought much about the kids and the distance between us. And that’s mostly because of my fear for the weight of sadness that I know will come over me when I do think about them. I’ve been running from processing and letting myself feel the grief of having half my heart on the other side of the world.

Today, I framed the pictures of Cedar’s hand and footprints I made while I was there. I hung them proudly on my wall and made all my roommates walking by come in and look at my boy’s precious little hands and feet. Tonight, I went to a dance at SPU and had a blast dancing and goofing around with friends. When I got home, I got into bed and decided I would look at some pictures from India. I stumbled upon a picture that was taken of Cedar and I on his first trip to the beach. And then it hit me… and instead of closing out of the picture when I could feel the welling of tears come, I just let them come. I sat in my bed and cried while staring at one of my favorite pictures of all time-a photo of Cedar and I experiencing the ocean together and for him, for the very first time in his life. 

I miss him. I miss the sound of his raspy laugh. I miss walking into his room for the first time everyday and putting my hand on his chest to see his body freeze and a sweet smile come across his face to shortly follow. I miss walking around victory home all day with him on my hip. I miss snuggling him at the same time everyday for his nap. I miss staring at his face while he sleeps. I miss giving his ayah a hug and communicating to her how appreciative I was of her that she takes care of such a precious life. I miss being apart of his day, big or small. These things… I will always miss them. It won’t go away and he will always be such a huge part of my life.

SCH will always play such a huge part in my life. Although my life in Seattle looks so different and it’s easy to forget about what I experienced in India amidst my daily life, it will always be there. I can block it out with busyness and lots of activities but at the end of the day, it’s still in there. I don’t think God has created us with shallow hearts. Our true hearts are much bigger than what the meets the exterior eye. God has created our hearts with great capacity and provided experiences that will only make that capacity even greater. How good is our God, that He has made our inner beings so complex yet so beautifully rich with himself. And with that being said, SCH will forever reside in my heart and I know that God will be faithful to remind me of it’s place there when I need reminding of that. 

I’ve found this song playing often in my first week home…and I find the lyrics to be quite fitting

You who mourn will be comforted

You who hunger will hunger no more

All the last shall be first, of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again

All you lonely be lonely no more

Yes, the last will be first, of this I'm sure

I don't know why the innocents fall

While the monsters stand

I don't know why the little ones thirst

But I know the last shall be first

I know the last shall be first

(“Flags” by Brooke Fraser)

The thought of reaching heaven one day is so much more exciting knowing that I will see so many of our kids from SCH, in their right place and whole in their bodies, perfect and flawless. What a reward and hope we have in Jesus and spending eternity in heaven with him. 

See You Next Time, India

As I write this, I sit on my last plane ride home to Seattle. I sit here full of anticipation and eagerness, ready to breathe in the fresh northwest air and see the people who I’ve missed so much. At the same time, I’m completely overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings on the last 2 and half months of my life. It almost feels like a time warp… one day I was leaving my life in Seattle and somehow 11 weeks later, I’m returning back to that life. The in between time was just pure bliss, as if I took a little break from my reality and lived in someone else’s for a while. This concept could keep me running in circles for hours and it often feels like my mind can never fully grasp and process what really happened. But it did happen and I never want to forget that it did.

On our last day, Grace and I headed over to Victory Home early to spend the morning and early afternoon. When I arrived, I walked straight to Cedar’s room and pretty much held him from the moment I got there until the moment I left. He was in a wonderfully giggly mood (as always) and we spent the morning just laughing together. It wasn’t long after I was with him that morning that I was already beginning to cry. As I watched him laugh and do all the little things that make him so adorably unique I thought, “These are the moments that I will miss the most. These are the memories I will cherish so close to my heart when I cant see him anymore.” It was a great and relaxing morning at the home. I truly felt at peace knowing that I could simply just be with the children. There was nothing I needed to do but love on them for one last time. When it came to say goodbye, I went to each room and gave all the kids a hug and kiss. I saved Cedar’s room for last knowing it would be the hardest. The minute I walked into his room, I lost it. I said goodbye to all the ayah’s and they wiped my tears as I went around the room kissing all the boys goodbye. And then I wrapped my sweet boy up in my arms and cried tears of both sadness and joy. Tears of sadness over the fact that I can’t bring him home with me, knowing fully that being away from him will hurt….a lot. And there were tears of joy over the fact that I simply know him. Tears that He was brought into my life to change and shape my character and relationship with God in a way that nothing else could. There were tears of joy over the fact that I am one of the most privileged and fortunate people in this world to be able to show him love after his world rejected him. What joy there is in knowing that God loved me enough to introduce me to him and ultimately introduce me to a love I’d never known or thought I could know. And what heartbreak there is in this vulnerable love that has proven itself painful when time and space separates us. I walked out of Victory home that day with more of my heart left behind and more of it broken… and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

The rest of the day was spent at the baby apartment and the girl’s apartment saying our last farewells. It was a very full day and by the end of it, I was so emotionally exhausted. By 11pm, Grace and I were boarding our overnight bus to begin our 56-hour journey home. When we arrived in Hyderabad in the morning, we took a power nap and then went to the market to do some shopping. Later that day, The Fadely family came to pick us up for dinner. They were already in Hyderabad for their monthly get away and so it was nice to be able to spend time with them there. We went to Chili’s and Grace and I got buffalo meat burgers! Then afterwards, we went to McDonalds and got ice cream cones. It was a very American night spent with people who have become wonderful friends to us. By 5am the next morning, Grace and I were off to the airport.

                            Our best attempt at a group picture with the school girls on our last night

                                 Dinner with the Fadely family in Hyderabad

We flew from Hyderabad to Mumbai for our 18-hour layover. Luckily, my mom has connections with a pastor there so when we arrived, he was waiting with a sign for us right outside the airport. Grace and I didn’t really know anything about this pastor or his ministry or Mumbai or anything! It was completely random but to my surprise, I think it was easily one of my favorite days in India ever. I loved the city of Mumbai and getting the chance to see a different part of India. I loved being able to see how God is working in Mumbai through this pastor, his family, church, and ministry. He and his family were so hospitable and truly filled with joy that they could invite us to be apart of their day. We spent the morning at his home where we got to visit a lot with his daughter, Karuna, who is also 21! She was so nice and I loved getting to talk with her. It was so cool to see how we have so many things in common, even though we live in two completely different worlds. Then we went to go see his church and the school that they run for children in the slums who are unable to afford good schooling. Afterwards, we had the chance to go to an outreach event in the city. The outreach was at an annual festival that the city of Mumbai holds for a statue of mother Mary holding baby Jesus. Basically there is a statue of Mary holding baby Jesus that they believe to be very special. Many people claim that this statue heals them and gives them the things they need when they pray to it. Therefore, half the city (which is 6 million people!) comes and offers candles and flowers to it for healing, getting a new job or house, and other things. Basically, they’ve turned this statue into another God to pray to with potential of having it improve their circumstances. So we offered prayer and passed out traks to the people as they walked up to the church with their candles and flowers. I did a lot of observing and took a walk up to the church myself to see it. It was fascinating to see how so many people- Christian, Catholic, Hindu, Muslim, or any other religion will come to pray to this statue. After seeing the church, I had a good time hanging out with the street kids who were trying to sell candles and flowers to the crowds. One little guy started passing traks out with everyone instead! Afterwards, Pastor Shirish took us down to the beach and we watched the sunset. Then we were off to dinner at a really yummy restaurant, where Grace and I had our last authentic Indian meal. Grace decided to order goat brain to really end things with a bang in India (adventurous one she is!) I tried a bit and it tasted very brainy-squishy and slimy (yuck) After dinner, we went back to the church to pick up our luggage and Pastor Shirish sent us off in a van with another pastor to the airport. It was such a good day! I was so thankful that Grace and I were able to experience so much and really get a taste of Mumbai instead of waiting in the airport for 18 hours.

                                                          The shrine of Mother Mary

                                                   One of the street kids helping us pass out tracks

                   

As we drove through the city of Mumbai, I was absolutely fascinated and captivated once again by India and it’s culture. As I looked over at the massive amounts of land occupied by slums, my passion for India’s people only grew stronger. This country and these people have won me over. I can’t explain why I fell in love with India in the first place. From an earthly perspective, it’s completely random. From a spiritual perspective, it was God’s divine and careful plan. Looking out the window at the slums and being filled with such a longing to jump out of the car and walk in, I was encouraged… as strange as that sounds. I was encouraged to know that my passions that come out of nowhere have a place where they belong…and it’s here in India. I was encouraged that this passion is completely not of myself and entirely of God and His work in my life. And as long as I continue to walk closely with him, he will lead me to the places that are so specifically designed for the passions he’s birthed in me so that I can be used for His glory. I discover more and more that as I walk closely in relationship with God, His desires, His vision and His heartbreak become mine too. What a good God we serve…that He so carefully plans our lives out in accordance with His perfect will for us and for the world.

As I walk away from an incredible journey in India, I enter into a new journey in my home here in Seattle. It’s a journey of processing, continuing to learn from my experiences and discovering how those experiences still and always will play a part in my life, no matter where I am in the world. I now enter into a new journey and a new season with feelings that I am well aware of coming. These feelings of grief over the absence of 105 physically present children in my daily life. Feelings of shock over a culture that looks so different than the one I’ve been living in for the past 2 and half months. Feelings of fear- fear of forgetting what I’ve seen here and the people I’ve met… fear of living my life as if this never happened.

But I will continue to be in awe of my God’s faithfulness in my life and I will trust that He wants to surprise me even more with His goodness. I will say it again and with even more assurance than the last time....

Great is thy faithfulness.

Getting near the end

It’s my last week here in India and it’s already almost coming to a close. I now have only 2 days left here in Ongole and then Grace and I are off to Hyderabad for a day and then our long layover in Mumbai for a day. In Mumbai, we will be meeting with a pastor whom my mom knows through family friends. We will be joining him for an outreach event with a team of US volunteers coming to work with his ministry. It should be a good time seeing a different city and a different ministry altogether. Until then, I’m holding very tightly onto these last days with my kids.

Here’s a few highlights from my last week here in Ongole…

We kicked off this week with moving some of our children into a new foster home! We are so excited to get more of our children in smaller, family style homes, which is really the ultimate goal of SCH. This new foster apartment is on the bottom floor of our school girls apartment. On Monday, we spent the day gathering all of the children’s clothing, sheets, mattresses, and other necessary items to get the foster home up and running. We now have half the children all moved in and are waiting for a few extra things to come in for the apartment so we can take the other half.

On Wednesday, Grace and I were invited to go to Naomi’s husband, Abraham’s village to be apart of an outreach event. Volunteering full time at SCH and living in the city, we don’t get much opportunity to go outside of the city and see the more rural, village life side of India. I really love being able to escape the crazy, chaotic city of Ongole and breathe fresh air out in the country. It truly is refreshing, not only because it’s surrounded by beautiful Indian farm-land, but because the life that goes on in the villages is so simple and so pure. There isn’t much distraction and people are so content with their small little huts and their tightly knit communities. It’s a beautiful sight.

Once we arrived, we rounded up all the kids in the village and we sang some songs, taught a bible lesson, prayed and played games. I was amazed at how intently these children listened and behaved while we taught them songs and stories. Seeing an audience of still, quiet children listening to your every word is not something you see at SCH ever…ha! Afterwards, we ate dinner on the roof of Abraham’s home and watched the sun go down. Then, we went around to the different homes and prayed for people. One little girl we met was named Mounika. She has special needs and lives with her family in the village. Her family loves her and cares for her so well. She truly is valued and held as a precious child of worth in both her family and her community. What an amazing, wonderful thing to see in a country that holds kids like Mounika at such a low cost, or no cost at all. By the end of the night, we went back to the main meeting place and Isaac (Naomi and Abraham’s son) and Grace led some worship songs. Then, it was time for us to go back home. It was such a refreshing night to be apart of life in the villages!

                                                             Grace, Mounika, and Me!

This morning, Grace and I were invited to attend “Grandparents Day” at Stacy and Rachel’s school. No, we aren’t grandparents by any means, but we wanted to make sure that the girls had someone in their “family” to be present at the event. And what an honor it was to be able to represent that for our girls, while all their classmates had grandparents in the audience. It was much like an elementary school assembly, where all the kids come in and sit on the floor with their classmates. When the children started filing into the room, Grace and I eagerly looked for Stacy and Rachel to walk in with their class. When I saw Stacy come walking down the stairs with all her classmates, I was so taken back by the immediate wave of emotion that came over me. I stood there and waved to her with tears in my eyes, overcome with pride over this little girl. That’s my girl. See the cutest one with the big smile and pig tails? Yeah, that’s who were here for. That’s our girl. I definitely felt like one of those proud parents that just wanted to tell everyone sitting around me how great they both are. I bet you can already imagine the kind of mother I will be someday… I apologize to my future children in advance. During the assembly, each grandparent went up front, shared a quick little message and then their grandchild would give them a flower. When it came time for our turn to go up, Grace shared a quick “education is important and Jesus loves you” message and then the girls got to come up and give us a flower. We sure had fun kissing them and hugging them in front of their entire school…and they totally loved it.

                                                                        There's our Stacy!

     Receiving our flowers from the girls at Grandparents day! From left: Rachel, me, Stacy, and Grace

Tonight, we went over to Naomi and Abrahams house for dinner. Naomi, if I haven’t mentioned her earlier, is a staff member at SCH. Grace and I spend nearly everyday with her, working at SCH together. Her husband, Abraham is on full time staff with ICM and goes out with teams to translate in the villages, put on outreach events, teach children’s VBS, and numerous other things. Both of their sons, Isaac and Agape, are actively involved with the ministry as well and help translate in the villages when teams come. They call themselves “A missionary family” and are hands down, one of the most amazing, dedicated, selfless families I’ve ever met. God so clearly and powerfully moves through each member and they are all so passionate about making Jesus known. Anyways, I had never been to Naomi’s home until tonight and I was so surprised by what I saw when we pulled up. They live in a cemented home with a tin roof, the size of a small bedroom. All four of them live in this house! I was so taken back that these two amazing, very successful pastors and key members of the ministry live by such simple means. What a testament to who these people are though… that they may be poor by earthly standards, but how rich they are in the things of God. Things like the numerous gifts that God has poured out on each of them to be stewards of the gospel to their people here in India. How rich they are in family- a family all running after one purpose together. How rich they are in love and compassion, to see their brothers and sisters saved and redeemed. How rich they are in all things that no earthly possession could ever come close to satisfying.

                                                        Naomi and Abraham's house

                                              From left: Isaac, Naomi, Abraham, and Agape

When we arrived, Abraham was quick to bring out apples and grapes for us while we waited for Naomi to get home from work. When she came home, she was so pleased to show us that she had bought ice cream. So we all sat around together outside and ate it (Dessert before dinner! Coolest mom ever.) Then, she brought us chicken, rice, dhal (like a curry sauce), zucchini, some more apples, and bananas! It was a true feast! After dinner, they invited us to come back inside and upon entering the house, Naomi was standing there with gifts for Grace and I! She bought us Saris! They are so beautiful! I was so overwhelmed with their kindness, especially after they just served us such a huge and delicious meal. When the night was just about over, Grace gave Naomi a gift on behalf of her church in Burien. It was money for a motor bike! Naomi gets around all by auto rickshaw and with all the running around she does all day, getting rickshaws everywhere is a lot of extra work and money. When Grace gave her the money, she was so shocked and cried into her shoulder for so long. It was so nice to see someone bless her, especially after how much she has richly blessed both Grace and I in our two and half months here.

                                                     Grace and I all dressed up in our new Saris

                                                                             Family

                                                                    My sweet sister, Naomi 

Looking back on this week, and really this entire summer, I feel overwhelmed with the way that God has so richly blessed me through so many people, so many instances, and so many experiences. My heart feels heavy that I will soon have to leave it all behind and move onto the next season of life that God has in store for me. It was hard to walk away from my life here in Ongole last summer and this time around, I’ve invested in so many more relationships and grown even more attached to Cedar and all the other kids. I thought India stole my heart last year, but I know that when I leave again it will get even more of it. Please keep both and Grace and I your prayers these next few days as we say very hard goodbye to so many people we have grown to love so much. 

Hospital Adventures

Wow! This past week has been insane. After one week of being sick, 5 days of which were spent in the hospital, I am now back home in our apartment and almost back to my complete health. It’s been a whirlwind of a week, and I’m glad it’s over. Here’s the whole story…

One week ago, I woke up with a sore throat, achy body, and a headache…pretty much the symptoms of a little virus or the flu, right? After a few days of lying in bed trying my best to recover, my symptoms only increased and got worse. I now had a rash all over my body and was so weak I could barely lift myself out of bed. So, Naomi came over and she and Grace took me to the doctor. They drew some of my blood and when the results came back, my white blood cell count was extremely high, indicating a severe infection in my body. So I was admitted to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days. My symptoms definitely got worse before it got better so my first few days were not pleasant. It was discouraging and scary… to be on the other side of the world in a developing country in the hospital with nurses who don’t understand English injecting a bunch of unknown and unfamiliar medication into me. I had a few breakdowns of “I just want my mom” And, “Someone get me a plane ticket to America NOW” Yes, it was an experience that I never want to revisit and am so thankful that I am standing on the other side of it now.

On my third day in the hospital, I woke up feeling the worst I had ever felt. I could barely lift my head and when I finally did, it was to throw up. My body was so sick and so was my spirit. I was discouraged. I was scared. I missed my family. It was my lowest point. So I had Grace turn on some worship music for me so I could focus on something else. The minute she turned it on, tears began flowing from my eyes. I wish I could put into words what exactly God did in this moment but my words don’t even come close. But Jesus came. He came with his perfect and all sufficient love and comfort and He met me in my darkest hour. And as he held me there, He engulfed me with the praises of His name. These songs I have heard so many times, but this time it was as if I was hearing them for the first time. It was as if I really understood what these songs were saying. They became so much more powerful to me and the reality of what it meant so much more significant. I was completely awestruck with the beauty, majesty and goodness of God. It was as if Jesus came to sweep me away, to remind me of his extreme power and sovereignty over my circumstance, over my life, over this entire world. My mom told me once, “You just speak His name and He will be there. There is power in saying the name of Jesus.” It’s amazing what filling a depressing, hopeless hospital room with the praises and worship of Jesus will do. I know that in that moment, Jesus came and flooded that hospital room with his presence and restored my spirit with his peace. These are the moments that I fall so much more in love with my savior. These are the moments I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how much He cares about me. These are the moments I am overwhelmed with how good He is.

I can now say that I am almost back to my full health. I am still a bit weak and don’t fully have my energy and strength back but my health is only improving by the day. Today, I went over to Victory home for about an hour and it felt so good to be back. It had been over a week since I had seen them all and I had especially been missing my little guy. I went into his room and he was all laughs today. The minute I greeted him he was laughing so hard, giving me those good belly laughs. I’ve decided that his laughter is the best medicine. 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers for complete healing and a full recovery. 

“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.” Psalm 73:26

                                                  

Washing Feet

This past week has been busy and full of lots of fun! On Wednesday, it was Independence Day here in India. We had a big celebration at Victory Home that included a wonderful chaos of balloons, singing, cookies, India flags, and just being together as an SCH family. On Thursday, Grace, the World Race team and I took some kids to the beach! I took Dorothy, a sweet 11-year-old girl with cerebral palsy. She absolutely loved the beach- the sand, the feeling of the waves coming up to greet her, and being carried out into the big waves with one of the world race boys. It is so fun to watch our kids experience the ocean. The smiles on their faces and the sweet sound of their laughter when they feel the rumbling waves come crashing against them, it’s like I get to experience the ocean the for the first time again just by experiencing it with them.

On Friday, we did something really special here at SCH. We had Ayah appreciation day! The Ayah’s are the full time caregivers here at all of the homes for our children. Their job is 24/7 as they live among the children here in the homes. They have, without a doubt, one of the hardest jobs in the entire world. Caring for orphaned children with special needs in India is also one of the “lowest of the low” jobs you can have. These women come mostly from remote villages, are illiterate and uneducated, and many are widowed. With the dominance of the caste system on nearly every part of society here in India, these women are considered to be in the lowest caste. Not only does the caste system decide what job you will have, it defines a persons worth. In India, a person in a low caste has low worth and visa versa. So, you can probably imagine how these women view themselves. It’s heartbreaking, to say the very least.

With all of the hard work our ayah’s do, we as a team decided it would be really cool to have a day that appreciates them and the amazing work they do for our children. We decided to show our appreciation through the washing of their feet. We explained to them that Jesus washed his disciples feet and it is a sign of honor and respect. Then, we washed their feet, one by one. I was so surprised to look up on the first pair of feet I washed and see a steady stream of tears coming from her eyes. They were so touched and so humbled by our simple act of gratitude towards them. In India, getting down and touching or kissing someone’s feet is a huge sign of respect and honor. I don’t think there was a better way to show our appreciation to them than by washing their feet. After I would wash an Ayah’s feet, I would stand up to give them a hug. They all cried, some even wept, into my shoulder and held so tightly onto our hug. It was clear on this day, that these women have never been shown more honor, respect, love, appreciation and gratitude in their entire lives. It wasn’t long after we had washed all of their feet that they were washing ours. In minutes, I watched an atmosphere of brokenness and division turn into a spirit-filled place of healing and unity. To step back and just watch God work so evidently and powerfully in all of our hearts was an amazing thing to see. 

After we gave each ayah a piece of the cake that we had the bakery make special for them, we invited the women who are Christians to get baptized if they had not done so yet. Three women decided to get baptized, one being Cedar’s ayah, and we drove about 30 minutes out in auto rickshaw to the river dam. We got to pray with them and baptize them in one of the most beautiful settings. It was such a wonderful day of break through.

When the day was done, I had so much to reflect on and much that I felt convicted about. I realized that I have been so blinded to these women and their desperate need for love. The way they held so tightly onto me when giving them a hug spoke such a loud and clear message to me and made my heart sink. It sort of slapped me in the face, actually. I see these women every day and yet, I overlook them. I get impatient with them when they don’t do their job the right way or forget to change a diaper. I don’t stare long enough into their eyes to see the pain and brokenness written all over their faces. I have come to serve the orphans and looked past the widows that are right in front of me on a daily basis. Those hugs, those tears, that stare into their eyes was enough for me to realize that I’ve been missing out on a huge opportunity to show love to women who are so completely desperate for it.

Look for people in your day who need love. Don’t let them run into you, look for them. Keep a tuned-in ear, eyes wide open, and a heart willing and ready to the people God wants to love through you. See it as no coincidence for the people you see and interact with in your day. That might sound simple and corny, but I learned that there is amazing opportunity when we live our lives with our eyes wide open to the people God puts in front of us. God is the master planner and designer of our lives and He so specifically puts the people we interact with in our lives for a reason. I don’t want to go another day blinded to the people I have an opportunity to love. I pray that this lesson will keep on teaching me, showing me, pointing out to me the people I can love, the people I can be Jesus for. I pray that my eyes wouldn’t ever go shut and my heart would stay open to the people in my life, no matter where I am or what I am doing, who need to be shown Jesus. There is such power in that, for both of us.

"Never walk away from someone who needs help; your hand is God's hand for that person." Proverbs 3:27 MSG

It's Cedar Day!

Wow, I’m realizing that it’s been a while since I last updated this thing. Sorry about that! Life here lately has been busy, nonetheless full of exciting new things happening here at SCH! Lately, I have been working with the team on our child sponsorship program. We have been working lots on the computer, getting all of the children’s sponsorship files filled out. And as of Saturday, we have officially launched our SCH sponsorship program and our “105 in 105” campaign. Each day, SCH will be featuring a child from SCH in hopes that by the end of “their day”, they will be fully sponsored. The ultimate goal is to get all 105 of our kids sponsored in 105 days. If you are interested in sponsoring a child from SCH, you can easily go to the SCH website, choose the child you would like to sponsor, and then choose from 3 different sponsorship options: a full $200 monthly sponsorship, half sponsorship with a monthly $100 donation, or partially sponsor with a $40 dollar monthly donation. When you sponsor a child, you feed them, put diapers on them, put nutritious food in their bellies, give them vitamins and medicine they need to thrive, pay their caregivers their salary to take care of them 24/7, and give them all the other things like soap, detergent, and toothpaste to stay clean. These might sound like basic, meaningless things but it’s what keeps our kids alive and healthy and is truly what gives them the quality of life that they deserve here at SCH. I can’t think of a group of children more deserving of our support both prayerfully and financially.

We are in day three of our campaign, where we have introduced Lily and Wendy. Today is a especially significant day for me though because today’s child is very dear to my heart. Yes, you guessed it…it’s Cedar’s day! This means that for the day, SCH will feature a blog post about him, with pictures and videos that really give you a taste for who he is and what he is all about. I love today because it’s my excuse to talk about him all that I want and tell everyone I know about how special of a child he is and how beautiful his little life is to me. This day is all about advocating for the life of a 3-year-old little boy who managed to turn my world upside down in a matter of two short months. I don’t think that it was chance that I met Cedar and fell in love with him the way that I did; I think it was God’s wonderful destiny and plan, for both of us. I think it’s evidence that God often uses the least likely individuals to change our lives. I’m thankful he chose Cedar to change mine.

One of the most important things we can do for these kids is to simply be a voice for them. To share their stories that have gone unheard, untold, and have been hidden away from the world. Our job as staff and volunteers of SCH is to bring their struggle and triumphs into the light. Our job is to fight for these kids…fight for their stories to be told, fight for their voices to be heard, fight for their lives to be recognized as miracles and tangible works of God’s grace. I count it an incredible honor to do my part in speaking up for these children.

Will you help me? Will you help me be a voice for Cedar and the children at SCH? Will you consider sponsoring a child fully or partially on a monthly basis? Will you commit to praying for them? Will you help me share their stories?

To see Cedar's child of the day blog post, click here

Pictures by: Nikki Cochrane 

Learning How to Let Go

As of today, it has been exactly one month since I left Seattle to begin my journey back to India. As I look back on the month here, I can’t believe how fast it has flown by! At the same time, so much has happened in this short month from watching Cedar take his first steps on a walker to going on random weekend adventures to the beach to meeting and serving alongside so many other volunteers who have come to work with SCH. It has been a great month! This week is the last week of ability camp for our 4 kids, which means at the end of this week we will be saying goodbye to Nikki and Sarah who have been running the camp everyday for the past month. I will miss them so much as they both have become an amazing source of friendship and laughter while they have been here. On the same morning that Nikki and Sarah will be leaving, my friend from SPU, Will, will be joining us here for a month! I am so excited to see another familiar face and have him become apart of the SCH family. I expect and hope for great things in this next month. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures that still lie ahead!

Lately, I’ve been reading two blogs of two North American women who have moved overseas to Uganda and Nepal to become mothers of abandoned and orphaned children. You can read about them too by clicking HERE and HERE. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve sort of become obsessed with their blogs, reading them from the minute I get home until late into the night. Just reading their stories of how their lives have turned into this amazing dedication to loving the orphaned children in their communities completely inspires me. Especially while I am overseas serving orphans, there isn’t a better time to be inspired by that kind of thing. However, at the same time, I’ve been deeply discouraged by it as well. I see what they have done for these kids, taken them off the streets, given them an education and provided them a loving and healthy home where they can call someone “mom”. I read about that and feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m not serving enough. I’m not sacrificing enough. I’m not giving enough of my life. I’m not giving it all that I’ve got so that I can ensure that these kids are getting the very best of my time here. Lately, I’ve been walking into SCH feeling so completely overwhelmed by all the needs in front of me. I have this urge every time I walk in to want to fix everything and to see the fruit of my labor in the least amount of time. I am impatient and wanting to control everything around me. I don’t want kids to have to sit a minute in their dirty diaper. I want the kids to always have a clean outfit on with no food or dirt on their face. I want to fan every fly out of the building and make sure and give each child hours and hours of physical therapy so that they can reach their full potential physically. I want to spy on the school kids while they are at school and make sure that they are making friends and their teachers are being patient and kind to them. I want to snap my fingers or say a magic word and make all the things that aren’t as they should be made right. I want their childhoods to look like mine, where I was given every opportunity in the world to thrive and grow. I make mental list after mental list of more things I can do to make sure that the home is running in tip-top condition. And still, after all that, I stand there not knowing what to do with myself. I don’t know what baby to go hold first, or what child I should go sit up, or what cerebral palsy stricken legs and arms to stretch out. By the end of the day, I still feel so overwhelmed and unaccomplished.

But that’s because I’ve been comparing myself to these women I read about. I’ve been looking at all that they have done and seeing all that I have yet to do. I’m not trusting Jesus to do this work, to serve these kids, to take care of them, to love them. I am not being faithful with the little things that God has placed in front of me. I am relying on my own strength to ensure a good life for these kids. I’m not humbling myself and stepping aside to let God do the work. I’m looking all that I could potentially do for these kids and ignoring God’s grace and power to accomplish the impossible. What if I chose to see that the hug I gave that child, the rocking to sleep I gave that baby, the kiss on the forehead, the story read aloud, the one-on-one time spent with a child coloring or playing legos as a day of success? What if I just stopped myself, retreated to the foot of the cross and took a real rest in the sufficiency of my Savior? What if I actually trusted God to take care of these children? What if I chose to be faithful with the little things and allowed God to be faithful with the big things?

            And then I go to the place where my heart knows I will find rest. My human heart will often fight this place, but deep down it knows that this is where it will find true peace. I retreat to the cross, where all of my sin and incomplete, broken parts lay, and I ask my “Papa” to come be with me. I ask him to take the burden of trying to fix and control and save. I lay more of my sin down- my lack of faith, my unwillingness to trust, my comparison to others, my pride, my feelings of accomplishment over my works instead of the work of Jesus. And then he holds me, in all of his glory and perfection and sufficiency, and he washes me clean. He re-fixes my limited perspective and reminds me why I am here- to simply love and to make myself invisible so that he can be visible. I’m here to love and care and show compassion to one child at a time. I’m here to pray and believe and watch God work on behalf of these children and assist if necessary. And then, and only then, can I walk into the gates of SCH and be truly free to love as the spirit leads me. I'm falling more in love with Jesus as I fix my gaze on all that He is and all that He can do. Praise the Lord that He is God and I am not. 

"Do not despise the day of small things” Zechariah 4: 10

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
- Leo F. Buscaglia 

Uncomfortable is Good.

It’s awfully quiet in our apartment right now. Last night, Grace and I said goodbye to 4 other volunteers who we’re here living with us. It was sad to say goodbye, especially after becoming so close in such a short amount of time. I will miss each one of them and all of the joy and laughter they brought to our apartment. I look forward to filling this apartment back up and meeting all the volunteers that will come through in the next month and a half. Until then, Gracie and I will hold down the fort and keep each other good company in our now very spacious apartment.

Today, Grace and I went to a wedding! Naomi, a woman who works for SCH and the Fadely family, invited us and the world race team to join her at her cousins wedding in her village. It was the total Indian experience if I’ve ever had one. When we arrived in the village, loud Indian music played and we were greeted with tons of smiling children wanting to hold our hands and take pictures with us. Not long after we arrived, the women in the village took us to their homes to dress us up in their saris. One of my favorite things about India is the gorgeous clothing that the women wear. I’ve never worn a sari so it was pretty fun to let them dress me up in their beautiful saris. Then, we went to the church to see the bride. She was decked out in gold jewelry, henna, and a beautiful sari. All of us just kept telling her how beautiful she was and she very shyly smiled back at us. Then, we ate lunch with everyone (yummy chicken curry!) and afterwards, it was time to go. Sadly, we were not able to stay for the whole day or get to see the actual wedding ceremony because the world race team had to get back to Ongole. But, it was so much fun and quite an experience to remember!

Lately, I’ve been spending most of my time between victory home and the girl’s apartment where Cedar is working hard at ability camp with Nikki and Sarah. A few nights ago, Hannah, Amanda, and I spent the night at Victory Home. We thought it would be interesting to see what goes on at night time, in the middle of the night, and in the early morning. Let me tell you, it was so weird to walk in and have it be so quiet. By the time we got there at about 9:30pm, most of the children were fast asleep, sprawled out all over the beds. The only room that wasn’t quite asleep was Cedars. I discovered that Cedar is quite the little night owl. So many times I would peek in his room throughout the early night to check and see if he had fallen asleep yet only to find him dancing in his bed. Eventually, I went in to try and get him to fall asleep. I rocked him and sang softly to him but it only made him giggle that much harder. The boy is one of a kind, so silly and definitely marches to the beat of his own drum. By 1am, I checked on him and he had finally fallen asleep. I was happy to see that his ayah had him all snuggled up in her arms. It’s comforting to see things like that and gives me a sense of peace, especially for when I go home to the US and can’t be there to snuggle him. I’m glad that he, despite his squirminess, is being soothed to sleep and nurtured by a motherly figure. His getting to sleep at 1am however, might explain his sometimes very lethargic and tired attitude during the day. When we all decided to go to bed ourselves, we all slept in the office. I don’t think I slept a single minute as my sweaty body lay stuck to the leather couch and exposed as fresh meat for the mosquitoes. I’m pretty sure all I did was lay there and sweat and itch myself all night. By the time it was morning, which comes at 5am for the kiddos here, I was a walking zombie. We watched their morning routine of bathing, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, and getting ready for school. Not long after, we head home and I got caught up on some sleep so I could function properly during the day. Overall, I was really glad we spent the night so I could see the home in full circle at every hour of the day. It definitely gave me a lot more respect for the ayah’s and nurses who stay here full time and take care of demanding needs of the children.

Being back here for another summer, I am reminded of the challenges that come with living here. I love this place, its people, and this ministry so much. But there is something about living here, even if only for a short 2 months, that challenges me more than any other place. One reason why I love India is because it completely strips me to my core. My true heart, broken and capable of so little without God, is revealed in my circumstances here. If anything, living in India and working with SCH just shows me how broken of a person I am. My circumstances here take away the mask over my heart that is really just covering up my brokenness, my sinfulness, my selfishness. I realize here so much more how much work I have to do in my heart. I find myself longing for home after a long day, for a hot shower and a warm bed and for my family and friends. But even without those comfortable things, I somehow manage to come out on the other side so much more satisfied and so much more victorious than a day at home in the US. I have this intimacy with God that I have no where else here in my fragile and vulnerable self. Why is that I have to be stripped of my comfortable life in order to obtain this incredible intimacy with God? Why is it that my greatest moments with God are in my most broken, vulnerable, exposed, and messy state? I never thought my comfortable life at home could keep me from so much more in my relationship with God. I never thought my comfort could mask the true things in my heart. It isn’t until I come here and see so much pain and devastation day in and day out and am forced to adjust to a lifestyle that is so much simpler than the one I have at home, that I cling to my God like he’s the only thing I’ve got. I say that with disappointment knowing that even at home, my things and the people I love cant heal the wounds in my heart or sustain me for long or provide me a life that is so much bigger than myself. Only my God, who is the same God in India and in Seattle, can do that. He goes with me, into my life of comfort and into my life of discomfort. He desires for those two lives to come together only to leave me continually and desperately thirsting for simply Him.

                                            Motorcycle rides with Sudhakar are always fun

                                                       Happy little boys at the wedding

                                         The wonderful woman who dressed me in her sari

                                                                   The beautiful bride

Beach Fun and Other Ramblings..

A lot has happened in these past few days! I’ll start with the very eventful weekend we had at the beach. On Saturday morning, a group of us all got the chance to take a child to the beach. Of course I chose to bring Cedar, not only because I love every second with him but also because he has never been to the beach before! And oh my word, let me just say that it was probably the happiest and most excited I have ever seen him. He squealed with laughter the entire time as the waves came up and splashed him. The first time the waves hit him in the face, I thought he would be scared but it just made him laugh even harder. As I held him in my arms while we splashed through the waves, watching his face light up with joy and listening to his raspy little laugh, it just showed me how brave he really is. Being completely blind, only hearing the rumbling of the waves and feeling the shocking and powerful impact of the water as it splashed in your face I think would be a terrifying experience. But he proved me wrong. He totally embraced everything about the ocean and loved every second of it. I am so proud of the brave and free spirited little boy he is.

By the late afternoon when we had all returned and cleaned up from the beach, my mom and I made our way over to victory home for her last visit. We both couldn’t believe that it was already her time to say goodbye. We enjoyed the afternoon with the kids and Mom got all her last kisses and hugs in. We walked out of victory home and there was a look heartbreak all over her face. My mom and I now share in the same heartbreak. As she cried silent tears in the auto on the way home, they were some of the most beautiful tears I’ve ever seen come from her eyes. She understands this love that comes and finds its home in your heart without you even realizing it. It was such a special thing to get to watch my own mother, the woman who nurtured and loved me unconditionally since the moment I was thought in her mind, nurture and unconditionally love the children at SCH, whom I love as children of my own. Even though her time here was short, it was those little moments of watching her snuggle the kids, softly pray and sing over them, patiently feed the children who were the toughest to feed, and joyfully play with them that gave me memories I will treasure for the rest of my life. It was a sad morning to wake up and realize that I couldn’t have my mom working and loving the kids at SCH by my side anymore. I didn’t realize how comforting it was to simply have her here. I hope that one day my children find the same comfort in me as their mother as I do with mine.

The next day, after lying in bed for most of the morning, Nikki and Sarah came over. Since it was a Sunday, almost everything is closed because it’s a Sabbath day for almost everyone. Except the beach is still open! Hannah made a joke that she was going to the beach, but we decided “hey why not just go to the beach!?” So we hopped in an auto and 45 minutes later, our auto driver was telling us to “close our eyes” as we drove up to the beautiful beach. The beach was full of people playing in the ocean, boats lined up alongside the shore, and fishermen getting ready to go out and cast their nets. We thought it would be fun to go out in one of these boats so we started asking the fisherman if we could go for a ride in their boat (this was in charades of course). Eventually, after just sitting in a boat on the shore, we were being taken out by a group of young fishermen. Right before we left though, we saw a young British man walking on the shore. Here in Ongole, you don’t ever see white people and so we called him over to see what he was doing here in India. He had just arrived in India a few days earlier and was planning on meeting up with a guy to do missions work in the area. He decided he would join us all on the boat ride so on he went! The fisherman were pretty pumped that they were taking a bunch of American girls on their boat so they took lots of videos and pictures of us. After getting pretty far out, we all jumped and flipped and cannon-balled off the boat. It was so fun! After a few hours of swimming and watching the men as they threw their nets out, we headed back to the beach and were completely mobbed by a group of Indians waiting to take more pictures with us. Then, we headed home in the auto and ended the evening at Ramya, a yummy resteraunt here in Ongole, with our new British friend James. We spent the night talking music, church, and differences between the US and the UK. It was a great day and definitely one of my favorite days off in India!

The next day, I unfortunately woke up very nauseated. Oddly enough, 3 other girls in the apartment felt the same way. So a sick day it was, watching movies in bed and sleeping. Today, I feel a lot better and made my way over to the apartment to work with the Ability Camp. Cedar has made so much progress since I last blogged! The other day, when Nikki was working with him, she was able to get him to put his feet on the ground when she held him up. She was also able to get him to bear weight and respond to the command “lay” which means, “stand” in Telegu. He now stands and bears weight when you pick him up and say, “lay”. This is huge! I have never been able to get him to stand when I hold his hands or even respond to the word “lay”. Today, when I went over to see him I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him standing up with Nikki. Ever since he has been working with Nikki and Sarah, I have seen an entirely different boy. With all of the stimulation he is getting everyday, he is the happiest, most alert little boy. Sometimes, I can’t believe it’s the same Cedar that I worked with last summer. I don’t fight him on falling asleep anymore, in fact, I sometimes can’t even get him to sit still now. I’ve seen his personality completely shine everyday. It just makes my heart burst with joy to watch him come alive the way he has. I feel so hopeful for him, especially in these next few weeks that Nikki and Sarah continue to work with him. Thank you for praying for him. God is listening to your prayers and working in Cedar’s life in big, amazing ways. Please continue to keep him in your prayers!

The other day, I was at victory home holding a little boy named Asher. He is such a sweet little boy who I really love to spend one-on-one time with at the home. As I was holding him, I was overcome with an overwhelming amount of pain and heartbreak. All of sudden I was trying to keep the steady stream of tears from falling from my eyes. Sometimes, it just hits me at the most unexpected moments. It’s easy to forget that these joyful, healthy, and so clearly precious children were once completely abandoned by their parents and left to a harsh world on their own. But then I have moments like this one with Asher, where the Lord leads me to enter in. I enter into the reality of his neglect and abandonment and feel the sting of his pain. I must continue to let myself enter in to these children’s pain, to recognize their stories and admire their bravery for what they have come through, and to softly speak the truth to them of whom they belong to; the truth that they belong to a God who is a father to the fatherless and a master redeemer of all things broken. 

 

The boat crew!

                                                      Cedar was all smiles at the beach

                                                          Photo by: Nikki Cochrane 

Cedar and I playing in the ocean

                                                 Sweet Asher when he first came to SCH